28 November 2012

Getting Personal

I'm just going to put this out there because I'm human. I'm going to be honest because it's the only way I know to be. I'm going to empty my frustrations with the hope that I can wake up tomorrow with a new mind-set and a better attitude. I think it's great that so many of you can keep a brave front to the world and most of the time, that's me. But I'm tired. Exhausted. And it just takes more energy to keep up appearances and act like everything is fine when it's not. Besides, being fake has never been my strong suit.

I'm tired, exhausted, and worn-out. Being a mom these days has been beyond challenging and trying. Maddy is teething the remaining 3 molars she has and to say it has been hell is an understatement. She isn't sleeping; there is no consistent sleep pattern whatsoever. Some nights are great but the majority of them are horrible, like last night. Last night she was awake and screaming every hour, on the hour. Even after teething tablets, Infants Advil, and a bottle, she was still awake and screaming...and there is nothing I or her father can do to make it better. She is also coming into the terrible twos. Side note: They call it the terrible twos because FUCKING AWFUL doesn't even begin to describe it and using that descriptor isn't typically socially accepted. But I digress...

I've known from the day Madeline was born that she is a strong-willed, stubborn, determined, knows what she wants/likes type of child. I knew that she would end up being happy-go-lucky, don't need nothing but a good time kind of girl. I could see it in her eyes and through the months as she's grown, she has proven me right. The child has no fear; she is gung-ho wild and free. And while there is a part of me that is proud and impressed by this demeanor, the other part of me is frazzled, aggravated, and frustrated beyond belief.

As the terrible twos are starting to set in so is her attitude. She is testing our limits. I know this is to be expected. I know it's normal. But it doesn't make it any easier to handle or deal with. Every attempt at discipline is met with a laugh and she spends more time in timeout than what  even I think is normal. It's a constant barrage of screaming, squealing, yelling, and crying...and nothing we do seems to pacify her. If I take something away from her, she screams and tries to hit me. When I reprimand her for this behavior, she screams even more. So into timeout she goes as she sits there gleefully laughing and acting as if everything is A-OK. And this is just a mild example of a good day. Let's not even get started on what happens when she's having a bad day.

I feel I'm at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. I've read, researched, and tried more parenting tips and tricks of the trade than I can count on both hands and nothing seems to work. Most days I feel very inadequate as a parent. Some days it feels as if I'm just going through the motions in order to just make it through the day and I hate feeling that way because to me, that's not good parenting. Some days it is hard to even get out of bed because I know what's awaiting me. But I do...and I make it through another day.

I understand that children are born innocent. They have no comprehension of right and wrong nor do they understand limits and boundaries - until they learn them. I know it is up to us, her parents, to teach her these things. I know this. I understand it however - it doesn't make the days easier. My patience these days is slim to none which makes it hard because up to this point, I feel I've had the patience of Job. I also know that having a child is a choice and not a chore. I know how blessed I am to even be able to have a child when there are so many couples who struggle to conceive. I love Madeline. I would happily and freely give my life for my daughter. I would sacrifice everything I have, my own happiness, and my life to secure her own happiness and prosperity in life but I'm struggling right now. Nothing I do seems to make things better. I can't seem to make my daughter happy and that bothers me. I can't seem to successfully discipline my child and that bothers me. To me, I can't seem to do much of anything right and...IT BOTHERS ME.

I know this is a phase...that this too shall pass but it doesn't make things easier to deal with in the present. But I keep moving forward. Each day is a new day full of promise and opportunity. All I can do is my best and hope that God fills in the gaps.

To Madeline - I will always be your loving mother. I created you. I knew you before you came into this world. You are my most beautiful creation. Through good days, bad days, and all the in-between, I will always love and adore you. All the good you have brought to my life outweighs the bad on any day. Your smile is sunshine and I, your mother, will always love you.

To my readers - I appreciate your support in reading my blog. Please know that my thoughts are just that - my own. I discuss all types of issues here and while it may not be all sunshine and rainbows, this is me...good and bad. I'm human. I'm normal. I'm a great mom, woman, and partner with the same challenges as everyone else. This is my haven to which is a haven for other women who struggle with the same problems and issues. You are all welcome here...negativity, judgement, and scorn can be left at the door.

Love to all,
Courtney @ Shiraz In My Sippy Cup
Courtney @ Shiraz In My Sippy Cup

Courtney is a published author, mom, taco enthusiast, and a Star Wars and Tennessee Volunteers fanatic. She's never met a piece of sushi she didn’t like and enjoys an amazing glass of wine and a great cut of meat. You can read more of her wine-induced, sleep-deprived adventures on The Huffington Post and Scary Mommy.

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