15 April 2013

What Is a Parent To Do?

Bath time in our home is usually a bonding time filled with giggles, lots of talking and interaction and playfulness. We talk and babble. We make silly faces and talk in funny voices. We splash and make the yellow ducky "dive".

But not tonight. 

Not after today's events in Boston.

There was silence, sniffles and wet eyes as Michael and I sat tub side and watched Madeline play. As she smiled and laughed at her toys completely unaware of the horrific events of today, Michael and I could only think of one thing - "What will happen to our precious daughter as she lives in this world...this world that is a crazy and scary place? We are afraid for our daughter." 

It is becoming far too frequent that children leave the safety and comfort of their homes and their parent's arms to only never return. Gun violence. Teachers in day cares who abuse children literally to death. Violence of every type is taking over our world. What is a parent to do???

One of the victims of today's tragedy is an 8 year-old and knowing this has really hit home for me. I can't even begin to imagine losing my child in such a horrible way... I really can't. I profess to be a writer full of words  but as I write this in an attempt to make sense of today's events, I'm without words. I really don't know what to say and maybe that's okay...maybe there are really no words to make sense of something to senseless. 

As a parent, I can't imagine the thought of losing Maddy. The mere thought of harm to her makes a lump rise immediately in my throat. I don't know how a parent who loses a child, especially under these circumstances, ever really deals or copes with it. I don't understand how a parent goes back to their home without their child to only be surrounded by things that their child will never touch again and to know they will never return. I don't know how a parent holds their child in complete bliss and happiness as they come into this world to only hold them with such sorrow when they leave this world. I don't understand how a parent ever gets through those first few days let-alone years without their child. 

I just don't understand.

As I looked down at my child tonight, I knew how incredibly blessed I am to have one more day with her. I know it is my responsibility to take care of her and how she depends on me to do so...I just have no idea how. The world knows far more than I do. The world and its violence is eating us whole. I can do all my research, preparations and protecting that is humanly possible but at the end of the day I can only do so much. When she leaves my arms, I have to have faith and trust that she will be OK and that's very hard to do right now, especially after today's events. 

I really don't know what would happen to me if I ever lost my child. I hope and pray I never have to find out. All I know to do is to hold my precious baby a little tighter, shower her with more love and do everything within my power to make, and keep, the world she lives in beautiful in her eyes. 

11 April 2013

Day of Fun

Today was a great day. I knew when I woke up that I wanted to get out and explore today. With my current job, I get two days off during the week which honestly isn't ideal, but the bright side of the situation has been the time that I get to spend with Chickie on those days. She only goes to day care 3 days a week since I'm home with her for the other two. Added bonus - Michael's schedule with the college allow him some flexibility to be home with us. Today was one of those days. We got up, had our breakfast and coffee and decided to head downtown to The Children's Museum of Denver.

We had a great time - Chickie loved playing with all of the other kids (although she is having a hard time with the concept of sharing these days - everything is "Mine"!) and afterwards we had a delicious and totally fat-free meal at Maggiano's Little Italy then came a great 2.5 hour nap. Lovely! All in all the perfect day.

Me and my beautiful girl on the slide. She was more interested in sliding down on the back of her head than taking pics with mommy.

 Laughing at daddy while climbing the tree

 Wresting with Mr. Bear

 Maddy said, "Hi mommy" right as I snapped this. I. Melt.

 Crawling through the tunnel - all smiles and laughs!

03 April 2013

Some Days...

Some days are just harder than others, plain and simple.

Some days, I wonder what in the hell I'm doing.

Some days, I wonder how much I'm screwing up my kid and how much therapy I'll have to spend later in life just to hear her say how much she hates me for ruining her, even though she's only 20 months now.

Some days, I feel completely and utterly a failure as a parent.

Some days, the whining, crying and high-pitched fits are just more than I can handle.

Some days, I want to pack my car, hit the road and not look back.

Some days, I have to give myself my own "time outs" to keep me sane.

Some days, I don't get a shower, don't put on make-up, and don't do my hair. And while I keep telling myself "It's OK - you don't have to look good all the time" I know it's all a lie. When did it become acceptable to look like the Dawn of the Living Dead and think it's OK??! What happened to ME??

Today has been one of those days. 

I think we all have these kinds of days from time to time as parents. There is no book, no parent and no friend that can in any way, prepare you for what's ahead when you become a parent - especially a first-time parent. It's all overwhelming and life-consuming. And while I absolutely love being a mommy, I must admit there are days when I long to have my single girl life back. It doesn't mean I don't love my child and it certainly doesn't mean I don't love my current life. It simply means, at times, I miss me, myself and I. But as quick as these feelings come, they pass just as fast. Life keeps going and the days fly by. 

As parents, I think it's important we remember at the end of the day, we're human. As much as society, women's groups and friends would have us believe that in order to be a successful parent you must be a superhero, perfect, and always on our game it just isn't so. We're allowed to feel the whole gamut of emotions that comes along with being parents - even the not so great ones. These feelings don't define who we are as parents or people. It just means that we're trying - we're trying our best every day to be the best parent possible even through the good and the bad. And in trying...

Some days are just better than others.