26 June 2013

(Almost) Hump Day Mommy Confessions

I'm getting a jump start on Wednesday's confessions. Partially because I haven't blogged in almost 3 weeks (I completely blame the move. It had absolutely nothing to do with my tendency to be lazy off the clock. Yep, nothing). ;-) That, and well, I just don't like the way Wednesday is sitting out there...looking at me...waiting for me...so I'm going to beat him to the punch and kick his ass.  

So without further adieu, here's this week's gems:

1. Lately, I've taken great joy in telling M little white lies.
M: "Mommy, more pizza!"
Me: "I'm sorry baby but you just ate the last piece."

OK, in my defense, she had 31/2 slices. I think that's plenty for a kid her age. I mean really - what is she? A big fat sweaty Italian man? So yes - I keep a slice for myself and enjoy it. Every. Single. Bite.

2. I now put M in the pantry for time out. It's really the only place to put her in our new home. It's a nice walk-in with plenty of room for her to not take time to think about what she's done. In our last place, I had enough space in her bedroom to put up her pack and play and I used that for her time out space but her bedroom now doesn't have room for it. So in the pantry you go! (I do turn on the light. Plus, I found her eating from a bag of chips one time so it can't be all that bad). 

3. I took M out to dinner by myself tonight and O.M.F.G. I don't really know what I was thinking. Well, yes I do. I had this idyllic image of the two of us having mommy/daughter bonding time with lots of smiles, laughter, and memories to last a lifetime. WRONG. That shit only happens in the movies. Taking a toddler to dinner on your own is no joke, y'all. I think I would rather have my eyes scooped out with a spoon than to have to do it again. It's completely different than going one on one to say, Target. At least at Target you are rolling around and have all kinds of things to keep your spawn of Satan occupied. Not in a restaurant. You're trapped. Trapped in one place like a rat. I've never appreciated Michael more in my life than tonight when I realized, "What the fuck would I do if he wasn't here every day and I was a single parent??!!" He has a very cool way of settling M down and oddly enough, he gets far more respect as the disciplinarian than me. I always thought I would be the one to lay down the law but when I try, she just laughs at me. So yes - taking a toddler to dinner on my own was completely stupid. Lesson learned. 

4. Going back to number 2 above. Not only do I put M in the pantry for time out, but I now go in there myself to hide. Again - how can you go wrong in the pantry? You've got snacks. You've got beverages (I usually take either a beer or a glass of wine in with me) and sometimes, some good reading material. Five minutes later and I'm right as rain.

So, that's it for this week. What are some of your confessions?


05 June 2013

Hump Day Mommy Confessions

Here are this week's gems:

I drink wine every. single. night. And usually more than one glass.

I'm not above eating all of M's pre-chewed food - french fries? Check. Chewed grilled chicken? Check. Slobbered on chips? You betcha. I hit all that.

I often ask Michael (In my best dramatic voice) to watch Maddy while I clean up the kitchen when really, I stand there in silence either eating candy or falling asleep at the kitchen sink. 

When strangers say things like, "Your daughter is so adorable. I know you and your husband are so proud" I love to respond with things like, "She doesn't have a father. I was artificially inseminated". Yeah, I drop that bomb and walk away laughing. The look on peoples faces are so funny.

When M was starting out on solid foods, I would always let the cats get a bite of bananas...off the same spoon she was eating from (What?! There mouths are cleaner than ours!).

I know I'm in the very, very slim minority on this but the Elf on the Shelf is fucking creepy. First off, it has that creepy grin on its face. Second, who finds it fun and comforting to know that there is this doll with a fucking creepy look on its face moving around your home from day to day and popping up in unexpected places?! Maybe I've seen one too many Saw movies but no - just...no.

I love my c-section scar. I truly do. I wear it proudly as a badge of honor. I fucking earned those stretch marks.

That's it for this week. Moms - what are some of your confessions?


04 June 2013

As I Turn 37...

It has only taken me 36 years to figure this out... AND feel content and happy about it. Here's to 36 more!

(Photo credit: istock)