28 May 2015

The Stupid Shit Childless People Say



Before I get too much into this post, let me start with a confession: I was one of those annoying, know-it-all, gonna-tell-you-how-to-raise-kids-when-I’ve-never-had-any-kids asshole kind of childless person. I was known for such great hits as:
·         Comparing my pets to having children because clearly, it’s totally the same. #sarcasm
·         Making comments such as, “Put a leash on your child!” in public places, especially restaurants.
·         Giving the stink eye to other people’s kids who wanted to engage me in conversation.
·         Giving all the eye rolls to parents who wanted me to talk “baby” to their babies. Goo-Goo? Ga-Ga? How about NO.
·         Complete disregard for what really goes into labor, breastfeeding, pregnancy and pretty much raising kids in general.

Well, almost four years later, I’m singing a completely different tune.

Now that I’ve spent a few years on the other side of the fence, I know what an enormous jerk I must have been to those around me with children. It wasn’t that I didn’t like kids, obviously, because I have one of my own. My feelings were more along the lines of viewing children as I do the platypus: they are odd looking, carry potential diseases and no one really knows their purpose or function.

Having said this, I understand why kids aren’t for everyone, really I DO. I can also understand the perplexity childless people find themselves in while scrolling through Facebook and seeing endless pictures of people’s kids or how those of us with kids seem to only talk about our kids. Unless you have kids, it’s hard to explain why our world revolves around them so much and to be clear - this post has absolutely nothing to do with the couples who want children but can't have them. I'm talking about the ones who make the conscience choice to not have kids and then make it miserable for the rest of us. 

To that end, now that I’m a parent myself, it really irks the ever-living fuck out of me when I hear some of the ridiculous shit that childless people say (Chalk that up to Karma?) but the bigger rub for me seems to be how all the good parents get lumped in with the bad, annoying or frustrating parents. In the childless person’s pursuit to nail all parents to the same cross, they forget that we aren’t all the same. Not all of us take to social media to talk about our child’s bodily functions or potty training (double lame-o points for you if you post pictures of your kid sitting on the shitter). Not all of us whip out the family photos on the childless, expecting you to find our little cherubs as precious as we do. Not all parents’ lives solely revolve around our children; there are many of us, like myself, who still maintain our own interests, activities and hobbies outside of the lives of our kids. To lump us all into one category is unfair and inaccurate to say the least. It really makes me wonder how those people who make the choice to not have children would feel being lumped in and judged in the same way for the choices they make for their lives.

I could be wrong but I’m guessing not so hot.

So without further ado, here are the top complaints/sentiments from childless people that really pisses me off:

ONE. All we do are post pictures of our kids on Facebook. This may be true however, I don’t say anything to you about the endless amount of gym and work out pictures and status updates that you post. I scroll right on by all your recipe and food pictures without a second thought and I never say anything when you feel the need to repeatedly and obnoxiously post political tantrums, your pet pictures, annoying memes and the results of all the quizzes and personality tests you take. Why? Because Facebook is a social platform. The whole purpose of its existence is to share our lives with each other. If my life includes kids, then so be it. If your life revolves around the gym or your pets, fine. At the end of the day, live and let live.


TWO. Comparing pets to children. Before I had my daughter, I remember the days of calling my pets my “children” and comparing them as such. Now that I have an actual child, I realize what a complete and total ass I was in thinking that way and trust me, you sound like every bit of an asshole too. Until you’ve stayed up all night with a sick dog or a dog that won’t sleep and still gone to work the next day, diapered and wiped shit from a dog’s ass (and every other body part), been thrown up on and invested around $300,000 (the average cost of raising one child) into your dog, please do us all a favor and shut the fuck up.


THREE. Getting nasty stares and comments in restaurants. It never ceases to amaze me how a childless couple can show up to a Red Robin for dinner and be annoyed that they aren’t getting a quiet, intimate meal. If that’s the vibe you’re going for, head to a Ruth’s Chris, otherwise, shut the fuck up. For the one child that is going ballistic in a restaurant, there are probably 400 more parents doing everything within their power to teach their child the right way to act in public yet, it’s always the one child that gives all of us a bad name. I’m also willing to bet that my almost four year old has better tact, manners and behavior in most restaurants than most adults do.


FOUR. The only thing my friends with kids want to talk about are their kids. I will admit that from time to time, I’m guilty on this one. Get me started on my little girl and I could go on and on forever BUT here’s the thing: I will also listen to you talk endlessly about your cruise to the Bahamas. I’ll pretend that I’m interested when you talk to me about the blind date you went on last weekend. I’ll nod and throw out a few “mm hmmm’s” while you complain on and on and on about what an ass your husband is. I’ll try with every fiber of my being to not roll my eyes when you want to talk about how your job is horrible for the hundredth time. It’s called being a friend you fucking ass hat. That’s what we are supposed to do. You listen to what’s going on in my life just as I do yours. Friendships are supposed to be mutually beneficial relationships. If the only thing we can talk about is what’s going on in your life, then I’m out.


At the end of the day, the choice couples make to not have kids is their own and I respect that but let’s not forget that respect goes both ways. If kids aren’t for you, cool, but don’t project those feelings over onto me and my child. Take a moment to remember that you too were once an annoying little shit but regardless, were the apple of someone’s eye. Take the time to remember that you too  were once a child and probably threw a shit fit in the grocery store or a restaurant and that maybe, just maybe, you also annoyed the ever living shit out of other people around you whether you meant to or not. This is called being human, and it’s not selective to only kids or those of us with kids. We can all be annoying, frustrating and immature at times. Stop blaming my kid, shut the fuck up and get over it. 
Courtney @ Shiraz In My Sippy Cup
Courtney @ Shiraz In My Sippy Cup

Courtney is a published author, mom, taco enthusiast, and a Star Wars and Tennessee Volunteers fanatic. She's never met a piece of sushi she didn’t like and enjoys an amazing glass of wine and a great cut of meat. You can read more of her wine-induced, sleep-deprived adventures on The Huffington Post and Scary Mommy.

25 comments:

  1. LOL YESS!!!!!!! This is hilarious. I love your writing. The pets one is soooo true! One of my biggest pet peeves is also when people call their pets their "children." Um, no. lol

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  2. I remember my childless days. I was probably guilty of a few of these, Not calling children pets, of course. :)

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  3. I LOVE THIS! I can not stand when people compare their pets to someone's kids. I am not talking about kid-less people claiming their pets as their kids. But saying it is the same thing. Totally NOT.

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  4. Ahaha! The first one about not saying anthing about their endless posts of gym workouts! :') and then not complaining when all they want to talk about is the bahamas or in my case - their partying! this is too much lol

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  5. I think some understanding is necessary between both childless people and parents. I'm childless (happily so) but I have godkids that I spend a good amount of time with, and I understand a lot of these from both sides. I think childless people need to be less judgmental of kids in public-but I also think there are *some* (read: not all) parents who don't do anything to actually be a parent in public. Yeah we can go to Red Robin for dinner and a kid can be cooing and squawking and I can look over and smile and wave because they're cute, but then there are the kids who's parents are letting them run around the restaurant and under other peoples' tables and throw food at strangers etc. and the parents just ignore it. Just don't be one of those assholes. lol


    Also I 100% agree about the Facebook thing. It makes me so angry that everyone has an opinion on what other people share and they feel the need to voice it constantly. Shut up and unfollow me if you don't want to see what I post. lol

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  6. Momista BeginningsMay 28, 2015 at 5:37 PM

    This is so great, and so true. And I appreciate your endless use of the word "fuck." Totally drives the point across :) #2 rings especially true for me, because MY HUSBAND was and still is....one of those obnoxious people who claims that raising/disciplining/training children isn't far off from how you would a dog. We have 3 dogs and 2 girls (age 3 and age 6 weeks). How is he STILL making this ridiculous argument?! Just be glad that it's ME, who stays home with and raises our kids. Otherwise I may have come home from work (if roles were reversed and I had a job) with one on a leash and the other in the dog house...literally. -Misty

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  7. Yes! So true! I want to choose just one that is my favorite, but the truth is they're all so accurate I can't choose one.

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  8. I agree with a lot of these and was probably guilty of all of them before my daughter. But one thing is is that sometimes couples are childless not by choice but because of infertility and as a sufferer myself the emotions are a roller coaster. Not all infertiles share their disease openly and often times our grieving is silent and comes off asshole like. I still can't have conversations about pregnancies since I have never had that joy nor can I hold a newborn. The sting is just too much.

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  9. Courtney PattersonMay 29, 2015 at 10:03 AM

    This post is not directed to those who suffer from infertility. I understand those struggles and would never poke at those who struggle to conceive. This post has everything to do with those people who make the conscience choice to not have kids and then act like assholes to other kids. That's all.

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  10. Oh for sure...I just had to put it out there. I know the people who have these feelings and choose to be without children and I actually am glad they don't have kids!!!

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  11. Twitchetts BlogspotJune 1, 2015 at 9:40 AM

    Ha!! Love this. I know I am guilty of saying a few of these things before I had children...

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  12. My biggest pet peeve is people that compare their pets to children. Makes me crazy. Another annoying one, I posted an article on my Mama By Fire FB and it said "childless" as you've said and a woman went after me for that phrase. She said "she is not less for not having children." Btw, she prefers the term "child-free". Ugh. *eyeroll

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  13. I just hate it when people without kids try to give parenting advice.

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  14. Or when I would think that kids having a temper tantrum in the store were just spoiled. "Oh, MY child would never do that." Uh-huh. Right.

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  15. OMG this list is perfect... love all the points you brought up!

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  16. Courtney PattersonJune 3, 2015 at 4:36 PM

    Thanks Lauren, and thank you for reading. I appreciate it!

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  17. Courtney PattersonJune 3, 2015 at 4:37 PM

    Yes, I used to think that as well. I'm pretty sure my kid has busted bad in a lot of places, lol. Thank you for reading!

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  18. Courtney PattersonJune 3, 2015 at 4:38 PM

    The worst. And I should listen to your opinion because...??? Thanks for reading.

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  19. Courtney PattersonJune 3, 2015 at 4:39 PM

    *Insert all the eye rolls* No one says you're any less for not having children. What I *am* saying is don't tell me how to raise them when you have no clue!

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  20. Courtney PattersonJune 3, 2015 at 4:40 PM

    I was majorly guilty. Offender number one right here!

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  21. Courtney PattersonJune 3, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    Thank you, Rosie and thanks so much for reading!

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  22. Courtney PattersonJune 3, 2015 at 4:43 PM

    Fuck is one of my most favorite words. ;-) Tell him if that's the case, instead of potty training, why don't you just throw some piddle pads down on the floor and do that instead and then see what he thinks, lol. Men. Gotta love 'em!

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  23. Courtney PattersonJune 3, 2015 at 5:02 PM

    Oh, I agree. Mind you, I'm definitely not advocating that the childless should have to suffer in public if some kids are just complete hellions. That I don't agree with and I lay the fault squarely on the parent's shoulders but you're right - a little more understanding all around goes a long way. Thanks for reading!

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  24. I was a major childless A-hole - guilty of saying all this and worse. Now have 3 under 2....Karma's a bitch LOL
    just found your blog - LOVE!! :)

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