When I
heard about Robin William’s passing in 2014, I wasn’t surprised and shocked to
hear the news as most people were. Instead, what I felt was an immense amount
of sadness and a deep connection to a man I had never met and all I could do
was shake my head and say a prayer. My heart immediately knew why he had left
this world because my life, like so many millions of other peoples’ lives, have
dealt with, and been affected by, depression and mental health issues.
I am a
mother who struggles with depression. Most days are good. I am one of the very
few, fortunate souls who have found a medication that works to fill in the gaps
in my mind that otherwise without meds, would leave it imbalanced and
incomplete. And while my medication works its magic quietly behind the scenes
to keep my brain from turning on me, I know all too well that it will never be
a cure for my illness and that at any time, my meds could stop working. It is
always a game of Russian roulette. Some days are good, some days are bad. Step up
to the plate and spin the wheel.
When the
news of Robin William’s death broke, millions of people made comments such as:
“I had no
idea he was struggling.”
“But he
was a comedian. He was always laughing. He made me laugh.”
“I never
knew he struggled with depression and bi-polar disorder.”
And
that’s usually how it goes but it’s also the point – depression doesn’t
discriminate. Depression is real. It is a horrible, unforgiving disease
that is relentless in consuming its victims. People who suffer from depression
can't help their disease any more than they can help the color of their
eyes. It is a medical, biological imbalance. And while most
who suffer still cling to hope of a cure - or just one peaceful day - a large
majority suffer in silence daily with no peace and no refuge. There is no
hiding from depression and bi-polar illness. Instead, there is only masking.
Mask the pain. Mask the struggle. Mask the voices.
I know
this game well. I’ve played it many, many times in my life.
“Smile. Don’t let them see you
hurt.”
“Laugh, make jokes, and be
“normal” so they don’t see the tears.”
“Talk and think positively to
shut out all the self-hate and self-loathing.”
It makes
sense that most people would have never known Robin was sick and how he had the
amazing ability to naturally fit the roles of drastic, struggling human emotion
given to him with such ease. It always made sense to me. He was good at playing
the roles of struggle and covering his illness because he was
struggling.
And I
have too.
I am a
healthy woman. I have a beautiful daughter and loving partner. I have a great
job, wonderful friends, and an amazing and supportive family…a great life yet –
some days – this isn’t enough to fight off the demons of depression and the
voices that tell me “You are not good enough. Nothing will ever be good
enough.” My brain has tried to convince me many, many times that the world
would be better off without me. That I’m no good. That I’ll never do anything
right or amount to anything so why bother. My own brain – attacking me.
With
depression and bi-polar disease, your brain will lie to you, it will turn on
you. Of course it’s all lies, but in a depressive episode, you can’t and won’t
distinguish between reality and the lies. It is a gut-wrenching battle that
never ends.
If you
take nothing else away from this post today, please let it be this: Those who
suffer from any form of mental illness, whether it be big or small, are not
flawed, crazy individuals. No one would ever choose to suffer
from mental illness because that’s what it is – an illness. Just as you would
have empathy, sympathy, and understanding for anyone going through another kind
of illness (cancer, contagious disease, etc.), those suffering from mental
illness deserve nothing less than the same compassion. If you are not familiar
with mental illness in any of its capacities, I urge you to check out the National Alliance on Mental Illness website
and get yourself educated on the facts of mental illness and do what you can to
help those suffering find a way home. A way to peace.
When I
heard the news of Robin William’s passing, all I could do was cry and
understand because I have been there too. I know how close I’ve been to feeling
his struggle and how his path could very well have been mine.
