A few days ago, I was talking with another woman about the ups and downs of being a working mom. My acquaintance’s children are all grown up and on their own, but it was nice to share why I love working and having a career and how I feel I’ve grown so much as a person, a mom and a mate by having the opportunity to work outside the home while being fortunate enough to have my daughter in an after school program that I trust to leave her with every day. I thought the conversation was going well; two professional women and mothers talking about why they love to work when out of nowhere, my acquaintance says, “Well, I think it’s great you feel so comfortable working, but when my kids were young, I would have never dreamed of working outside the home while having someone else raise them. I waited until they left the house to have a career.”
While I understand that this woman raised children in a completely different era than me with different expectations and societal “norms,” I was still so offended for women, especially working moms, in general. Haven’t women worked harder to deserve more than this? In the year 2019, when the women’s movement is stronger than it’s ever been, have we not yet truly learned that to have a society of strong, independent, confident women we should all be uplifting and supporting one another in our decisions, hopes and dreams? I was completely and utterly befuddled and sad all at the same time.
Let me be clear: I don’t think anyone sets out to be rude or judgmental, but I’m often surprised at what well-meaning and generally thoughtful people say to mothers who are not staying home full-time with their children. It’s not in every case, but more than I would like, there’s a subtle hostility or judgment that comes from statements like the one made to me that makes me wish more people would be conscientious enough to think before they speak.
As her comment marinated in my mind for the rest of the day, I couldn’t help but think of all the other comments and questions regarding my choice to be a working mom that gets thrown onto me more than I like.
"Can’t you afford to stay home with your child?”
No, I’m not kidding. People are actually bold enough to ask this question.
Let’s assume for a minute that I can’t. Let’s say that for my child to have the education her father and I want her to have, I work so that she can go to school or have braces or for any other need our family might have. Where exactly does this conversation go now? Awkward, right? Furthermore, I’m then tempted to put you on the spot and ask how much money your husband makes so that you’re able to stay home. Let’s just both agree to not go there, okay?
Having said this, sometimes it’s not all about the money. Sometimes, mothers such as me, work because we actually want to work. We enjoy it. I value my education and the years I’ve put into my career. I also think it’s healthy and beneficial for our daughter to see me working so that she knows there is more to life than being a wife and a mom. Bigger than this, I also know that one day, my child will grow up and leave us. I want to keep a footing in the professional world so that there isn’t a big gaping hole on my resume making it harder for me to find a job. So, you see, there are many reasons I choose to work but honestly, it really shouldn’t matter because the question devalues my choices. Simply put, please don’t do that.
“I could never have someone else raising my child.”
What I really want to say to you: “I am raising my child, you ignorant @$%&!”
What I’ll actually say to you: Refer to the previous question. Loving and raising a child is not incompatible with having support to do that. Yes, my child may be with other people during the day but make no mistake about it – her father and I are deep in the trenches raising her. If the old saying goes, “It takes a village” than let’s all encompass every aspect of what this saying means and stop being just a little less judgmental, thank you very much.
“There’s plenty of time to work later. These early years are so precious.”
The last time I checked, all the years are precious, so your point is?
“It must be amazing to get away from your kid every day.”
What I really want to say to you: “It is! You know, it’s just like a mini-vacation and can you believe they also pay me??!!”
What I’ll actually say to you: How about we all just STOP polarizing the conversation and the debate about who has it worse. There are pros and cons to each choice. Instead, how about we join forces by saying, “I know you’re at home all day with the kids and I really need a break from work. Want to do a spa day together?”
“Don’t you have family nearby that can watch your kid when she’s sick?”
What I really want to say to you: “My child is my responsibility, especially when she is sick. No one else’s. She wants and needs her mother and I will not deny her that need.”
What I’ll actually say to you: Regardless If I have family or not nearby to help me, I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for taking care of my child, period.
We are women of all races, backgrounds, and beliefs doing the best we can to take care of our families while balancing the demands of work and life. This dynamic looks different for all of us, and that’s okay. No one wants to be judged for their life choices. So, the next time you’re tempted to ask that question or make a comment, stop. Take a deep breath and say what working moms really need and want to hear: “It’s tough, but you’re doing it. I’m here if you need me. Keep up the good work - I want to see you succeed!”
