I'm So Tired as a Mom. And So Happy.

As I write this, I’m fighting the urge to fall face-forward into my keyboard. I haven’t washed my hair in days, the circles under my eyes are so dark that not even the best makeup products on the market could fix them and my to-do list is so long and overwhelming that it makes me want to just bury my head in the sand and pretend that none of it exists. It’s 9:30 p.m. and I know that in about 4 – 5 hours, Chickie will wake up for what could be the first and only time of the night or for at least three more times until the alarm goes off at 5:15 a.m. Since her first Birthday over three years ago, this has been our nightly song and dance; Spurts of sleep coupled with moments of being awake.

This has become my new normal.

Sometime around Chickie’s second year, I came to terms with the fact that I would never again sleep like I used to before I had a child. Actually, truth be told, I pretty much accepted that for the foreseeable future, I would be tired all. the. time. Since we are not made of money and since Publisher’s Clearing House hasn’t come knocking on our door, the option of having nannies or sleep sitters to give me a weekend – or hell – one night of blissful sleep, isn't really even an option at all.

But it’s okay. This is motherhood, right? This is what I signed up for when I decided to have a child. There is a certain amount of peace that comes along with accepting things you can’t change. Once you learn to try and just go with the flow and adapt, your life becomes much easier to handle instead of fighting against the deprivation. Once I accepted this stage of raising a child, I felt at peace. I felt as if I could breathe again and in some odd way, actually relax.

After three and a half years with no sleep, I’m thoroughly convinced that it’s me. There are days when all I drink is coffee, wear my pj’s all day and go proudly and unapologetically without makeup. I look in the mirror and see the dark circles but they don’t phase me – it is what it is…

And I love every minute of it.

I know that one day very soon, this little girl who has a hard time sleeping will no longer be sleeping in my home at all. I will blink and before I know it, she will have a home and a family of her own, leaving me and my home empty inside. So for now, even on the hard days, I will treasure all of our late night snuggles and co-sleeping. I will hold onto her and soothe her with every fiber of my being because I won’t always be able to protect and care for her in this life. I will do my best to not feel aggravated at 2:30 a.m. when I hear her little voice calling for me because I know that all too soon, she will be gone to live her own life and I will be left to wonder where all this time went and desperately want it all back.

So for now, my mantra will be “Sleep is for wussys!” and I will try with all my might to believe this because really, I am blessed and I love the life I have with my little girl. 

While you're here, take a moment to check out one of my favorite daily reads, Green Loving Girl! 

Now That I'm a Mom I Understand...

I will never forget the look of fear, relief and anger in my mother’s eyes the morning I came home after staying out all night with my girlfriends with no phone call to let my parents know I was okay and what I was up to. It was my senior year of high school, which of course translated to: “I’m an adult now. I can do what I want.” 

Her eyes were blood shot, haggard a bloated. With tears streaming down her face she asked, “Do you have any idea what you’ve put your father and me through tonight?” But I didn’t. I had no clue. In my adolescence, I couldn’t see or understand her point of view. I remember thinking, “I’m here. I’m okay. What’s the big deal?” 

Back then, I desperately wanted to understand why she was so upset. I wanted to understand why she had stayed up all night worrying and fretting. I wanted to be able to comprehend why, if she was so happy I was home and okay, why was she so upset and angry?

But I just couldn’t. I was a teenager and I was an asshole.

Now that I have a child of my own, I can look back on that moment, and many others from my childhood, and understand it all completely. It sounds cliché as hell for our parents to say, “When you have your own children, you will understand” but it is a statement that couldn’t be any further away from the truth. 

Now that I’m a mom I’ve come to understand…

…The constant worried, anxious, afraid feelings all moms carry with them deep down in their gut.

…How it broke my mother’s heart to see me cry.

…How it broke her heart even more to see me cry after disciplining me.

…The amount of time and monetary sacrifice my parents gave to me and my sisters so that we would never have to go without even when my mom and dad had too.

…How I can feel so incredibly angry, happy and relieved all at once when something happens to my child. More so, if it’s because she was doing something I asked her not to do.

…Why all mothers cry a lot.

…That my mother and father were not perfect but they tried their best. 

…That parenting, in some ways, is a thankless job.

…The never-ending feelings of exhaustion.

…The incredible amount of pride of seeing your child{ren} get it right and excel.

…That no matter how old I am, I will always be my mother’s “baby.”

…How I can go from happy to bitch in 2.2 seconds.

…How the longing for just a sliver of alone time is real and so very needed from time to time

…That despite all the sleepless nights, arguments and the ups and downs of parenting, she would do it all over again. 

How about you? What are some things you couldn’t understand about your parents growing up that you completely get now that you are a parent? 

Our Family Eats Kraft Mac & Cheese - So, STFU

On Tuesday, a recall alert was issued from the makers of Kraft Mac & Cheese alerting the public that metal fragments had been found in a specific segment of boxes produced by the company. As of this morning, no harm or incidents have been reported. The company has issued a statement, made an apology and is also offering full refunds, no questions asked, to any individual who purchased said boxes in question. 

When I heard the news, I promptly went to our pantry and checked the two boxes of Kraft Mac & Cheese we currently have. Neither box fit the description of the boxes in question so back on the shelf they went. I never once questioned or thought about throwing them away. Why would I? They were safe, and I’m not in the business of throwing away food for no good reason. 

When I closed the pantry door, I didn’t think twice about my decision to keep the boxes…until I got back online and logged onto Facebook. Against my better judgment, I started reading all the comments about the recall {But seriously, when will I learn that you are never supposed to read the comments?} and within a few short minutes, my aggravation level went from zero to WTF. Why, you ask? Well, because of comments like these:

“This is a prime example of why our nation needs to be eating organic foods only.”

“I’m so thankful that I don’t feed my family this junk. Only wholesome foods for us!”

And my personal favorite…

“Maybe swallowing some metal is what it takes for families to understand the importance of eating organic, wholesome foods only.”

It never ceases to amaze me how Americans take every opportunity possible to be the biggest bunch of know-it-all, judgmental assholes that ever walked the planet. 

Sigh.

I often wonder what all these judgmental, organic eaters ate growing up. I’m willing to bet it was slim to nothing organic. I’m also willing to bet that their health, as a result, was never put into jeopardy because they ate non-organic foods. I’ve yet to read a study that can clearly vouch whether or not organic foods are really even worth the extra cost and worth eating. From everything I’ve read on the issue, eating organic vs. non-organic foods cannot be linked to any diseases so this whole argument of a healthy lifestyle and eating wholesome foods is invalid to me.

I certainly didn’t eat organic growing up – as a matter of fact, my parents bought the same types of fruits and vegetables I buy from my grocery store today for my family: the non-organic ones. I grab those babies up, wash them and eat them. And while I’m doing my grocery shopping, you can bet your sweet ass I swing by the macaroni isle to pick up a few boxes of Kraft Mac & Cheese. 

And I don’t feel the least bit bad or guilty about it. 

In all the rage and hype of eating organic, I think we’ve forgotten along the way that most families in this country are simply trying to make ends meet coming off the worst financial downfall since the Great Depression, let alone paying a small fortune for organic meals and produce. If you’re able to do this for your family and choose to do so, great! But why look down your nose at the families who uses their choice to live within their means to not eat organic? It makes absolutely no sense to me. I truly believe that every family is doing the best they can to provide the very best in life possible for their children and loved ones. The choices other families make with regards to food have no bearing or consequence on your family at all. When will we all learn to simply live and let live?

Yes, our family on occasion indulges in the blue box so please, STFU with your judgmental diatribe. The only thing you’re proving is how much of an ass you sound by your comments. Please understand and respect that the food choices I make for my family are just that – mine. You are free and able to do the same for your own family, and when I see you reaching for that $5/lb apple, all I’ll do is simply smile at you with zero judgment and carry on about my business…

The business of eating all. the. blue. box.