As I write this, I’m fighting the urge to fall face-forward into
my keyboard. I haven’t washed my hair in days, the circles under my eyes are so
dark that not even the best makeup products on the market could fix them and my
to-do list is so long and overwhelming that it makes me want to just bury my
head in the sand and pretend that none of it exists. It’s 9:30 p.m. and I know
that in about 4 – 5 hours, Chickie will wake up for what could be the first and
only time of the night or for at least three more times until the alarm goes
off at 5:15 a.m. Since her first Birthday over three years ago, this has been
our nightly song and dance; Spurts of sleep coupled with moments of being
awake.
This has become my new normal.
Sometime around Chickie’s second year, I came to terms with the
fact that I would never again sleep like I used to before I had a child.
Actually, truth be told, I pretty much accepted that for the foreseeable
future, I would be tired all. the. time. Since we are not made of money and
since Publisher’s Clearing House hasn’t come knocking on our door, the option
of having nannies or sleep sitters to give me a weekend – or hell – one night
of blissful sleep, isn't really even an option at all.
But it’s okay. This is motherhood, right? This is what I signed
up for when I decided to have a child. There is a certain amount of peace that
comes along with accepting things you can’t change. Once you learn to try and just
go with the flow and adapt, your life becomes much easier to handle instead of
fighting against the deprivation. Once I accepted this stage of raising a
child, I felt at peace. I felt as if I could breathe again and in some odd way,
actually relax.
After three and a half years with no sleep, I’m thoroughly convinced
that it’s me. There are days when all I drink is coffee, wear my pj’s all day
and go proudly and unapologetically without makeup. I look in the mirror and
see the dark circles but they don’t phase me – it is what it is…
And I love every minute of it.
I know that one day very soon, this little girl who has a hard
time sleeping will no longer be sleeping in my home at all. I will blink and
before I know it, she will have a home and a family of her own, leaving me and
my home empty inside. So for now, even on the hard days, I will treasure all of
our late night snuggles and co-sleeping. I will hold onto her and soothe her
with every fiber of my being because I won’t always be able to protect and care
for her in this life. I will do my best to not feel aggravated at 2:30 a.m.
when I hear her little voice calling for me because I know that all too soon,
she will be gone to live her own life and I will be left to wonder where all
this time went and desperately want it all back.
So for now, my mantra will be “Sleep is for wussys!” and I will
try with all my might to believe this because really, I am blessed and I love
the life I have with my little girl.
.jpg)
While you're here, take a moment to check out one of my favorite daily reads, Green Loving Girl!
Love the part where you said just accepting the things you can't change brings peace and you're so right. But not too many more years and you'll be getting that sweet sweet sleep again soon, hang in there :)
ReplyDeletemy oldest was exactly like this. he would wake and want water or milk. now at 5 he's FINALLY sleeping through the night. but enter the two year old that has other plans for me. haha. but you're right, I wouldn't change it for anything.
ReplyDeleteAmen! I could so relate to everything you wrote. I think it's huge to recognize that just because something is difficult doesn't mean we want to change it and don't love doing it! It's taken me awhile to come to this understanding, but now that I have, it's made a world of difference in so many areas of my life. www.saraborgstede.com
ReplyDeleteCoffee is the new sleep… That's kind of become my mantra (as you'll see I found on IG). We are in the same boat as you. I can't remember the last time the little man slept all the way through the night, with zero interruptions. And, I've just come to accept it. We are not the parents of a child who goes down at 8 and doesn't make a peep till 7. Shoot, most nights around 2AM the little guy ends up in bed with us. But, we all survive and we keep it moving. There's going to come a day when my bed will be the last place he'll want to be, and there will come a day when I'll be begging him to get his rear out of bed…. Right? :)
ReplyDeleteSo, I raise a cup of piping hot coffee to you and say cheers to another exhausting, beautiful day.
I just got over the Newborn hump, we co-sleep as well and I am looking forward to all of the sleepless nights to come! It's hard to watch them grow up, even if all I want is to snuggle my own boobies to sleep lol.
ReplyDeleteI love Desiree saying coffee is the new sleep. We've had some rough nights around out house lately... it's exhausting. I read a post today that reminded me that we're moms just for a season.
ReplyDeleteOh my, we are on the same page! I always think (or try to) about how yes, this part is tough right now, but in x number of years I won't even have it to complain about because they'll be --in high school, in college, getting married, etc... I do my best to remember to love and accept it now, it's going to change faster than I truly want.
ReplyDeleteI love this! We have 2 little ones so we get woken up most nights by at least one of them! And my boys are early risers so we wake up with the sun everyday! But I love my nighttime and early morning cuddles and I would take that over sleep any day!
ReplyDeleteGreat post, and so true! My two boys sleep like champs, always have, but that is once they fall asleep. Both are night owls. I'm not. You'll get a short reprieve once she is a teenager. My 13-year-old slept for 12 hours straight Friday night! I like your attitude!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this and I wrote something similar a short time back! Honestly, 8 hour sleep habits are unnatural and even unhealthy! Some studies believe women live longer because they are more often the ones waking up with babies, returning to the more natural (and healthier) 4 hour sleep habits! My son has been waking up at 4:00 a.m. lately and, since I don't ave to be up for our day until about 7:30 a.m., I have been having a really hard time going with the flow of it. I know it won't last long. I try to remind myself that I will soon (in the blink of an eye) be wrestling him to try to get him up for the day, but goodness I AM TIRED! Haha. Thanks for this post, I always appreciate your perspective.
ReplyDeleteI love that quote!!!!
ReplyDeleteI've been tired since October 28th 2012 ... the day my induction started .. and haven't been well rested since. Life isn't about being comfortable and things being easy. Frank and Chickie have challenged us as Moms, as a person. They will be the example of us when we are no longer here and if that requires me to be tired, then so be it.
ReplyDelete