As I write this, I’m fighting the urge to fall face-forward into
my keyboard. I haven’t washed my hair in days, the circles under my eyes are so
dark that not even the best makeup products on the market could fix them and my
to-do list is so long and overwhelming that it makes me want to just bury my
head in the sand and pretend that none of it exists. It’s 9:30 p.m. and I know
that in about 4 – 5 hours, Chickie will wake up for what could be the first and
only time of the night or for at least three more times until the alarm goes
off at 5:15 a.m. Since her first Birthday over three years ago, this has been
our nightly song and dance; Spurts of sleep coupled with moments of being
awake.
This has become my new normal.
Sometime around Chickie’s second year, I came to terms with the
fact that I would never again sleep like I used to before I had a child.
Actually, truth be told, I pretty much accepted that for the foreseeable
future, I would be tired all. the. time. Since we are not made of money and
since Publisher’s Clearing House hasn’t come knocking on our door, the option
of having nannies or sleep sitters to give me a weekend – or hell – one night
of blissful sleep, isn't really even an option at all.
But it’s okay. This is motherhood, right? This is what I signed
up for when I decided to have a child. There is a certain amount of peace that
comes along with accepting things you can’t change. Once you learn to try and just
go with the flow and adapt, your life becomes much easier to handle instead of
fighting against the deprivation. Once I accepted this stage of raising a
child, I felt at peace. I felt as if I could breathe again and in some odd way,
actually relax.
After three and a half years with no sleep, I’m thoroughly convinced
that it’s me. There are days when all I drink is coffee, wear my pj’s all day
and go proudly and unapologetically without makeup. I look in the mirror and
see the dark circles but they don’t phase me – it is what it is…
And I love every minute of it.
I know that one day very soon, this little girl who has a hard
time sleeping will no longer be sleeping in my home at all. I will blink and
before I know it, she will have a home and a family of her own, leaving me and
my home empty inside. So for now, even on the hard days, I will treasure all of
our late night snuggles and co-sleeping. I will hold onto her and soothe her
with every fiber of my being because I won’t always be able to protect and care
for her in this life. I will do my best to not feel aggravated at 2:30 a.m.
when I hear her little voice calling for me because I know that all too soon,
she will be gone to live her own life and I will be left to wonder where all
this time went and desperately want it all back.
So for now, my mantra will be “Sleep is for wussys!” and I will
try with all my might to believe this because really, I am blessed and I love
the life I have with my little girl.
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