I will never forget the look of fear, relief and anger in my
mother’s eyes the morning I came home after staying out all night with my
girlfriends with no phone call to let my parents know I was okay and what I was
up to. It was my senior year of high school, which of course translated to: “I’m
an adult now. I can do what I want.”
Her eyes were blood shot, haggard a bloated. With tears
streaming down her face she asked, “Do you have any idea what you’ve put your
father and me through tonight?” But I didn’t. I had no clue. In my adolescence,
I couldn’t see or understand her point of view. I remember thinking, “I’m here.
I’m okay. What’s the big deal?”
Back then, I desperately wanted to understand why she was so
upset. I wanted to understand why she had stayed up all night worrying and
fretting. I wanted to be able to comprehend why, if she was so happy I was home
and okay, why was she so upset and angry?
But I just couldn’t. I was a teenager and I was an asshole.
Now that I have a child of my own, I can look back on that
moment, and many others from my childhood, and understand it all completely. It sounds cliché as hell for
our parents to say, “When you have your own children, you will understand” but
it is a statement that couldn’t be any further away from the truth.
Now that I’m a mom I’ve come to understand…
…The constant worried, anxious, afraid feelings all moms carry
with them deep down in their gut.
…How it broke my mother’s heart to see me cry.
…How it broke her heart even more to see me cry after
disciplining me.
…The amount of time and monetary sacrifice my parents gave to me
and my sisters so that we would never have to go without even when my mom and
dad had too.
…How I can feel so incredibly angry, happy and relieved all at
once when something happens to my child. More so, if it’s because she was doing
something I asked her not to do.
…Why all mothers cry a lot.
…That my mother and father were not perfect but they tried their
best.
…That parenting, in some ways, is a thankless job.
…The never-ending feelings of exhaustion.
…The incredible amount of pride of seeing your child{ren} get it
right and excel.
…That no matter how old I am, I will always be my mother’s “baby.”
…How I can go from happy to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
…How the longing for just a sliver of alone time is real and so
very needed from time to time
…That despite all the sleepless nights, arguments and the ups
and downs of parenting, she would do it all over again.
How about you? What are some things you couldn’t understand
about your parents growing up that you completely get now that you are a
parent?
