Now That I'm a Mom I Understand...

I will never forget the look of fear, relief and anger in my mother’s eyes the morning I came home after staying out all night with my girlfriends with no phone call to let my parents know I was okay and what I was up to. It was my senior year of high school, which of course translated to: “I’m an adult now. I can do what I want.” 

Her eyes were blood shot, haggard a bloated. With tears streaming down her face she asked, “Do you have any idea what you’ve put your father and me through tonight?” But I didn’t. I had no clue. In my adolescence, I couldn’t see or understand her point of view. I remember thinking, “I’m here. I’m okay. What’s the big deal?” 

Back then, I desperately wanted to understand why she was so upset. I wanted to understand why she had stayed up all night worrying and fretting. I wanted to be able to comprehend why, if she was so happy I was home and okay, why was she so upset and angry?

But I just couldn’t. I was a teenager and I was an asshole.

Now that I have a child of my own, I can look back on that moment, and many others from my childhood, and understand it all completely. It sounds cliché as hell for our parents to say, “When you have your own children, you will understand” but it is a statement that couldn’t be any further away from the truth. 

Now that I’m a mom I’ve come to understand…

…The constant worried, anxious, afraid feelings all moms carry with them deep down in their gut.

…How it broke my mother’s heart to see me cry.

…How it broke her heart even more to see me cry after disciplining me.

…The amount of time and monetary sacrifice my parents gave to me and my sisters so that we would never have to go without even when my mom and dad had too.

…How I can feel so incredibly angry, happy and relieved all at once when something happens to my child. More so, if it’s because she was doing something I asked her not to do.

…Why all mothers cry a lot.

…That my mother and father were not perfect but they tried their best. 

…That parenting, in some ways, is a thankless job.

…The never-ending feelings of exhaustion.

…The incredible amount of pride of seeing your child{ren} get it right and excel.

…That no matter how old I am, I will always be my mother’s “baby.”

…How I can go from happy to bitch in 2.2 seconds.

…How the longing for just a sliver of alone time is real and so very needed from time to time

…That despite all the sleepless nights, arguments and the ups and downs of parenting, she would do it all over again. 

How about you? What are some things you couldn’t understand about your parents growing up that you completely get now that you are a parent?