Dearest Madeline,
Here we are, our fifth Mother’s Day together. Can you believe it?
We’ve come a long way, haven’t we baby?
Our start together wasn’t easy. There were many long days and
nights where I found myself sitting in a slobbering mess on the floor, begging
God to take you back because I had no idea what I was doing. Surely the fact
that He thought I should be someone’s mother was a mistake. My resume for
motherhood wasn’t so hot since caring for 3 cats clearly isn’t the same as
caring for a child. I couldn’t litter box train you, pet you and then put you
down or simply ignore you all together as I could with my feline babies so what
was I supposed to do with you? Neither of us had any answers so we did what any
new mother and daughter duo would do together in those first few weeks…
Cry.
You would cry and I would cry and together, we
made one sad little orchestra of “Oh my God, what the FUCK have I done?” Having
a bout with post-partum depression didn’t help matters much but somehow, we
pulled through. The days turned into weeks which turned into months and amongst
the long nights of no sleep, the ups and downs of not being able to breast
feed, the endless mountains of laundry, the spit up, the blow-outs and so much
more crap that comes along with a baby that I can’t even recall…
We found each other.
You were my new constraint on life but you were gracious and gave
me the freedom to learn how to be your mommy. You waited patiently as I took
forever to calculate how much formula needed to be put in your bottle through
my sleep-deprived eyes. You giggled with delight when I would put your diaper
on backwards (“silly mommy” has always been your favorite). You would ever so
simply frown at me when I got water in your eyes at bath time as if to say,
“I’m going to let that one slide since you’re new at this.” You indulged me
every time I wanted to dress you up in some monstrosity of an outfit that I,
grandma or Target deemed to be “cute.” Together, we became a team: you gave me
the room to learn and grow as a mom and in return, I fell head over heels in
love with you.
As the years have passed, our relationship has continued to grow
and change as it always will. There have been times of immense happiness and
there have been times of tears and pain. There have been days where I’ve wanted
to run screaming from our home and never look back, but there have been many
more days where I’ve wanted to hold you forever and never let go. You have made
me laugh. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me proud. You’ve made me so angry
that I couldn’t even see straight. You’ve made me frustrated and overwhelmed
beyond belief. You’ve made me a better person in so many ways but most
importantly…
It is you who’ve made me a mother.
This day may be called Mother’s Day but without you Maddy,
it would just be another day on the calendar. In all your wonderfully amazing
chaos, it is you who have made me the woman I am today and it
is you who will continue to shape the woman I become years
from now. In all the things you’ve given me in our almost six years together,
the best thing you ever gave me was the opportunity to be your mother and for
that blessing, I am eternally grateful.
On Sunday, yes, I will take time to celebrate myself but in doing
so, I will celebrate you as well. I am SO PROUD to be your mother. Every day I
look at you and think to myself how incredibly amazing and fabulous you are and
to think that your father and I created that? Well, it blows my fucking
mind.
It’s only Mother’s Day because of you, my love. It has always
been, and will always be, about you. Thank you for being my child.
Always and forever,
Mommy
