Dear Maddy: I Celebrate YOU on Mother's Day

Dearest Madeline,

Here we are, our fifth Mother’s Day together. Can you believe it? We’ve come a long way, haven’t we baby?

Our start together wasn’t easy. There were many long days and nights where I found myself sitting in a slobbering mess on the floor, begging God to take you back because I had no idea what I was doing. Surely the fact that He thought I should be someone’s mother was a mistake. My resume for motherhood wasn’t so hot since caring for 3 cats clearly isn’t the same as caring for a child. I couldn’t litter box train you, pet you and then put you down or simply ignore you all together as I could with my feline babies so what was I supposed to do with you? Neither of us had any answers so we did what any new mother and daughter duo would do together in those first few weeks…

Cry.

You would cry and I would cry and together, we made one sad little orchestra of “Oh my God, what the FUCK have I done?” Having a bout with post-partum depression didn’t help matters much but somehow, we pulled through. The days turned into weeks which turned into months and amongst the long nights of no sleep, the ups and downs of not being able to breast feed, the endless mountains of laundry, the spit up, the blow-outs and so much more crap that comes along with a baby that I can’t even recall…

We found each other.

You were my new constraint on life but you were gracious and gave me the freedom to learn how to be your mommy. You waited patiently as I took forever to calculate how much formula needed to be put in your bottle through my sleep-deprived eyes. You giggled with delight when I would put your diaper on backwards (“silly mommy” has always been your favorite). You would ever so simply frown at me when I got water in your eyes at bath time as if to say, “I’m going to let that one slide since you’re new at this.” You indulged me every time I wanted to dress you up in some monstrosity of an outfit that I, grandma or Target deemed to be “cute.” Together, we became a team: you gave me the room to learn and grow as a mom and in return, I fell head over heels in love with you.

As the years have passed, our relationship has continued to grow and change as it always will. There have been times of immense happiness and there have been times of tears and pain. There have been days where I’ve wanted to run screaming from our home and never look back, but there have been many more days where I’ve wanted to hold you forever and never let go. You have made me laugh. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me proud. You’ve made me so angry that I couldn’t even see straight. You’ve made me frustrated and overwhelmed beyond belief. You’ve made me a better person in so many ways but most importantly…

It is you who’ve made me a mother. 

This day may be called Mother’s Day but without you Maddy, it would just be another day on the calendar. In all your wonderfully amazing chaos, it is you who have made me the woman I am today and it is you who will continue to shape the woman I become years from now. In all the things you’ve given me in our almost six years together, the best thing you ever gave me was the opportunity to be your mother and for that blessing, I am eternally grateful.

On Sunday, yes, I will take time to celebrate myself but in doing so, I will celebrate you as well. I am SO PROUD to be your mother. Every day I look at you and think to myself how incredibly amazing and fabulous you are and to think that your father and I created that? Well, it blows my fucking mind. 

It’s only Mother’s Day because of you, my love. It has always been, and will always be, about you. Thank you for being my child. 

Always and forever,

Mommy

Why I Don't Feel Guilt as a Working Mom

As women and as mothers, we naturally carry guilt. Some more so than others, but we all do it. At one time or another, we all have something that creeps up into our lives to make us feel guilty as parents.

My biggest battle with guilt comes in the form of being a working mom. While I enjoy working and wouldn’t have it any other way, from time to time, I have this little voice in the back of my head that says, “You should be making the sacrifices necessary to stay at home with your child.” That little voice isn’t always so nice.

For a while when we lived in Colorado, I was only working part-time which you would think would be a great compromise but really, I think it was worse. If I was at home with my child, I’d be thinking about work and if I was at work, I’d be thinking about my child. It all became mentally and emotionally exhausting. It was time to conquer my mental battle once and for all. 

Why should I feel guilty for wanting to work when in all reality, being a working mom is what makes me happy and in return, makes me a happier and better mom and person for my partner? Just because we have children, it doesn’t mean that all our own happiness, wants, and wishes should be flushed down the toilet. True, we put our children’s happiness first but that doesn’t mean that we should completely set aside our own happiness.  

I found myself becoming more confident in my choice to be a working mom when my mentality of what being a working mom actually means to me began to change. Instead of thinking of my career as a burden that sucks time away from my child, I started to look at it as an opportunity to grow and culture myself personally and professionally which in return, reaped benefits for me in the home. I started thinking of day care tuition as an investment towards my career which in turn, would ultimately provide a better life for my family instead of thinking of it as money flying out the window as I earned it. I began to feel true fulfillment in my choice to be a working mother and gave myself permission to have both – work and family life. 

So, for those of you who still struggle with the guilt of working or still wrestle with your purpose in the working world, here are all the reasons I love being a working mom.

ONE. The Kids Are Alright
Really, your kids who are in day care are just fine. Don’t believe me? Then just look at the evidence. The NICHD estimates that kids who are in high-quality day care score much higher on cognitive and verbal comprehension tests. The social aspects alone are amazing. Now, this isn’t to say that day care centers are far superior than SAHM’s or in home child care providers. Every family is different and so are the families’ circumstances. There are pros and cons to everything. This is just to simply say that you don’t have to feel so bad about all those hours your child is in day care. Rest easy behind your desk, momma. The kids are just fine.

TWO. Girl Power!
The only thing that’s going to make it easier for women to get into, stay in, and advance in the workforce is by having other women in the workforce. By being a working mom, you’re adding one more fabulous female to the workforce who understands what it’s like to juggle being a working gal with being a mom. Strength in numbers, ladies! Let’s embrace and show solidarity.

THREE. All by Myself
Being a working mom also means having alone time in the bathroom, running errands alone during lunch breaks, and before day care pickup in the afternoon, and eating your lunch completely uninterrupted without having little hands all in your plate or crying because you don’t like what’s being served. Y’all, I can’t even lie. Some days, these benefits outweigh everything. #truth.

FOUR. Poppin Tags
While we have a monthly budget, have bills to pay, and try to save as much as possible, when I want to, I can buy my own things {relatively} guilt-free. It’s nice to know that I have access to my own money and when I see a reasonably priced shirt that I want to buy, I do it without guilt {For the most part} because I work hard and contribute to our family’s finances. This wouldn’t necessarily be the case if I wasn’t working. The purse strings would be much, much tighter. For me personally, there is satisfaction in knowing that I’m doing my part to help make our family run and that I’m not dependent solely on another person for everything. Because I work, we have the flexibility to purchase “wants” on top of “needs” too. 

FIVE. Monkey See Monkey Do
No, I’m not home with my daughter but I feel that in being a working mom, I’m the example that she can do it too, if she chooses. She may take another path in her life but at the very least, I’m showing her that all things are possible and that she can enjoy the best of both worlds. My choice to be a working mom doesn’t make me any less a good mom and it’s important to me that she understands this concept as well. 

What are your thoughts? If you’re a working mom or dad, how do you deal with the mental guilt?

A Letter To My Daughter's Future Kindergarten Teacher

Dear Teacher,

We haven’t met yet so allow me to introduce myself: I’m Courtney, and I’m Maddy’s mom and on next Monday, my daughter will be in your care during the day. She is so excited to start “big girl school” which makes me happy but on the other hand, I'm a little scared and sad, too.

To be completely honest with you, I have a lot of anxiety about reaching this milestone. I worry about my daughter. I worry about her making new friends easily and fitting in. She can be painfully shy. I worry about her getting into trouble. She can be very stubborn and strong-willed when she wants to be. I worry about her losing her love of learning as I’ve seen it happen to other kids as they start school. I’m worried that she will get lost in her new surroundings. She can sometimes be forgetful. It’s hard to see a part of your heart grow up and walk out the door.

Working Girl to SAHM: Five Tips To Help You Fall In Love With Your New SAHM Life

Over the past five years, I’ve been fortunate enough to experience motherhood from both sides of the fence as a working mom outside the home and as a SAHM but I'll let you guys in on a little secret...

I never in a million years ever expected to be a SAHM in the slightest. EVER. If I'm being completely honest, I use to think, "Geez. What do they do all day? And why would anyone want to do it? Boring!" In my defense, I was young, kid-free and had my life to myself {translation: I was one of those childless adults who thinks they know it all where kids are concerned because I had a dog and a cat. Yes, I admit it - I was a poopy head}.

So let me back up for a minute and give you all a little background information. I've always been a working girl and am currently a working mom. Up until Maddy was born, it was me, myself and my career and I was happy with that. I like to work and honestly, I'm good at it. I know what I'm doing when I'm in my career element. I know who I am, what the expectations are and the end goals in sight. It's like second nature to me - comfortable, familiar and easy.

Dear Maddy: On Sunday, You Will Be Five

Over the past year, you’ve experienced so much change. We moved to Pittsburgh. You started a new school, where you learned about a chrysalis and how it changes into a beautiful butterfly. 

And on Sunday, you will be five.

I remember very clearly the day I saw your transformation. It was an evening at home. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and you walked in and asked, “Mama, can I please watch Paw Patrol?” I told you yes as I handed you a plate of grapes and we walked into the living room. You sat down, crossed your legs like a little lady and placed the plate on your lap. “Thank you, mama,” you said as I got the show for you. As I turned to walk back into the kitchen, I looked at you. At five, you’re long and lean, there is no baby fat or baby rolls left on you. Most times when you sit, you sit with your legs crossed. Your wisps of baby hair have blossomed into full-grown curls and your face has transformed from the happy-go-lucky baby and toddler I once knew to full-blown little girl: curious, thoughtful and beautiful. It was at this point that I realized you had turned from toddler to little girl right before my eyes.

My Tender Moments In Parenting

It seems like lately, our life has been a scene from Jurassic Park; loud screeching, wailing and gnashing of teeth, and growls that even scare the dog at times. But alas, we don't have any cool dinosaurs living in our home...just a preschooler with the attitude of a dinosaur.

If you've never experienced the pleasure of raising a preschooler, let me break it down for you in one word: challenging…to say the very least. You know that scene in Jurassic Park where dude gets eaten right off the toilet? There are some days I wish that were me. Partially because (A.) I can't seem to get two minutes to go to the bathroom by myself any more anyway so what does it matter and (B.) partially because well...honestly...some days I just want to go running and screaming from my house.

I know none of this is her fault. I know Maddy is simply going through the normal growing pains every preschooler experiences; newfound independence, exploring the world around her and the influence of other children and their attitudes definitely adds another layer to the mix. For the most part, she’s grown out of the crying over everything stage and into the push back, argumentative stage where every parental decision, choice and instruction is up for question and analyzation. If you ever want to sound like your own mother, have a conversation with a strong-willed, uber-curious child and before you know it, you will boil all of your parenting choices down to, “Because I said so, that’s why!” It’s all in a day’s work.

I Didn't Bond With My Daughter After Birth...And That's Okay!

For some mothers, the bond with their child begins the moment they find out they are pregnant. For others, the bond forms the moment they lay eyes on their baby for the first time. But for other moms? Sometimes the bond takes a little longer to develop. 

This is the category I fell into. 

I never thought I was ever going to have the opportunity to be a mom. Something you may not know about me is that in a faraway land a long, long time ago, I was married. Obviously, the marriage didn't work out because here I am with another man and a child but the point is that my first marriage was childless and by every indication would always be childless. I had pretty much given up all hope that I would ever be a mother. We divorced in 2009 and I moved forward with my life.

What Will My Daughter Remember About Her Childhood?

This weekend while entertaining our out of town friends Joe and Mimi, I took some time to sit with Maddy in the living room and simply play blocks with her. It’s one of the things she enjoys most; building a car wash to run her Hot Wheels through or a Target or Chick-fil-a, two of the places we frequent the most. Michael was deep in the middle of cooking dinner with help from Joe and Mimi so it was the perfect opportunity to get some one-on-one time with my girl. As we sat and played, Mimi looked over to me and said, “I remember my mother playing with me. It’s one of the best memories I have of her growing up. Whether she was reading a book to me at bedtime or playing a board game with me, those are the times I remember most and cherish. You are doing such a good thing with Maddy by playing with her. She will always remember this time together.” 

It was such a sweet comment and compliment. I tried to allow myself the momentary feel good, the positive. As moms, I think we have a wonderful way of poo-pooing compliments anyone may extend to us about our parenting. We are gold medal winners at finding exceptions, excuses and rebuttals as to why we don’t deserve compliments or positive commentary on our abilities, but the more the comment marinated in my mind, the more I began to feel uncomfortable and fretful. The more the word, “remember” turned over and over again in my mind, the more I couldn’t help but feel worried.

Letters to Madeline: These Are The Things I Wish For You

My Dearest Madeline,

I could start by telling you how proud I am of the little girl you’re becoming or how every day, I marvel in all the amazing ways you’re growing up and becoming your own person: headstrong, confident, independent and brilliantly funny. The changes I see in you, some big and some small, are coming fast and fleeting right before my eyes. One minute, I remember you as the small and dependent baby you literally were just a few years ago and the next minute, you’re pulling me back into reality with the eight words that have become your life’s mode of operation lately: “Mommy! I can do it all by myself!!!”

I could go on by telling you how the lessons your grandma and poppy and your great-grandmother and great-grandfather taught me shaped my views on life – the kind that mold and create you and have a way of changing your life forever. Each one of them had their own hopes and wishes of what my life would be and become. All of them also said a lot but if they hadn’t said anything at all, that would have been okay too. Each of them have lived their lives by example with their actions showing far more than any words could ever describe, and even though there have been times when we haven’t agreed or even been upset with each other, there has never been a time that I didn’t feel loved, supported or feared that I would ever lose their love. I knew with all of my being that whatever missteps I took in this life, each of them would stand beside me to love and support me along the way. I knew this, and you should too.

Maddy, it’s a crazy mixed bag of emotions when you become a parent and none of it you will ever understand as my child until you have a child of your own. That’s cliché as hell to throw on you but it’s honestly the truth. I could go on and on about lessons, life and how I hope it will affect you all but really, there would never be an end to this letter. Instead, allow me to share a few of my hopes and wishes for you, my dear.

Four Ways to Teach Our Kids How to do Good In a World Full of Hate

If there's one thing I've learned over the last four years of being a parent, it's that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I’m just being honest. I read all the books, took all the classes, listened to all the unwanted advice, and watched all the parenting videos but let's be real - there is nothing that can prepare you for having your first child. It's a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. Between the lack of sleep, adjusting to a new life and new normal, and learning about your child, it's easy to get caught up in the day to day hum-drum of life and forget our focus as parents. While I admit that I’m still learning every day how to do this parenting gig right, there was one concept that I was certain of from the day that Maddy was born that I wanted her to understand: How to not only be good but to do good in this world. 

I believe this characteristic of fostering good works starts early in childhood development and is either fostered to its full potential or thrown to the wayside as our children grow up to be adults. I would say that from her sixth month on, Michael and I made it a point to begin instilling the ‘Not only be good but do good’ mentality into Maddy’s everyday life. It’s not a method that comes easily because it requires constant attention to our own actions, but it’s something that we work towards on a daily basis in getting her to understand good works and how our actions, words and deeds affect others.

A Letter to the First Man I Ever Loved

Dear Dad,

Sunday is Father’s Day. It’s your day and I’m so happy to have the opportunity to celebrate you. Out of everyone in my life that has given me help, you are the one who always receives the least amount of praise, recognition and credit for the things you do, but to your own admission, you like it this way. You’ve never been one to want or need the spotlight instead, you’ve always shown your unwavering support from the sidelines. Unfortunately for you, you’re front and center today. It’s time that I use my love of writing to pull you directly into the spotlight so that everyone knows how much you mean to me.

Five Tips for Raising a Strong-Willed Child

I'm totally willing to admit that I'm smitten by my daughter's gumption, independence, care free spirit and determination. I've witnessed her solve problems all on her own. I've shared the thrill of her figuring out how to put on her sandals while being able to successfully secure the strap all on her own. I've seen the love and care she gives to all of her friends at school. I've observed how confidently she expresses herself to her teachers, family, friends and us. I know all of these wonderful traits will take my little girl far in life and I feel so honored to be able to tag along for the ride. 

Having said all of this, don't let that cute little face fool you. I will be the first to admit that my little girl is a strong-willed child. From early on in her development, we noticed that she would have temper tantrums over the simplest of things if she wasn't able to do them just so or to her liking. Over the years, bedtime has been a challenge and so has dinner time with getting her to eat certain things or getting her to eat anything at all. Sometimes, even a very simple trip to the grocery store can turn into a battle of wills where picking out snacks or food for lunches is concerned. 

Regardless, it's very important to myself and Michael that Maddy understands that there are certain rules she has to follow and that she maintain a certain level of self-control in our home and when we're out in public. I've learned that with Maddy, as with most strong-willed kids, flare-ups typically happen when she feels powerless or without control which is something very important to a preschooler as it's something they crave early on as a form of independence. 

So the question then becomes how can you help your child feel like they are in control and have a voice even though you as the parent are really the one in control of your child and the rules? Here are some tips I’ve learned from parenting my own strong-willed child. 

A Child's 10 Commandments For Parents

Every day as parents, we’re dishing out a list of rules and commandments to our kids; do this, don’t do that. Use your manners. Clean up behind you. Don’t put your fingers there. Play nicely with one another. Make sure to share your toys. Don’t ride the dog like a pony.

Often times I’ve wondered what our little kids are thinking in return but don’t have the ability to verbalize. If we have our daily list of commandments, thoughts and rules, surely they have theirs. If I were to place myself in the shoes of a child, here are the 10 commandments I think they would want us to know about childhood:

Our Choice to be One and Done and Why It Works For Us

It started around six months after Maddy was born.

“So – when are you guys going to have another?”

Truth be told, I was still struggling with becoming a new mother, returning to work full-time, coping with the sleepless nights but most of all, my body was still recovering from Maddy’s C–section. The thought of having another child with all those life adjustments going on was the furthest thing from my mind.

Five Reasons Why I Love Being an Older Mom

I found out I was pregnant with Chickie at 35. 

In July, Maddy will be five.

On June 4^th, I’ll be 40.

I’m an older mom, and I’m okay with that.

To most, 40 is considered ancient in the mommy world. I mean, I'm like that old-broad-throwing-jewelry-off-the-ship-in-the-movie-Titanic old. 

But it's cool. 

I may not have the energy I used to have in my 20's to be chasing around my little Tasmanian devil but at the same time, I consider myself to be a little older and a little wiser. I wouldn't go back to my younger years for anything. There are so many great things that come with age and in return, so many things I've found that I love about being an older mom.

The Hardest Hour of My Day as a Working Mom (And Why I Love It)

It’s 5:00 pm and by now, I’ve already been up since 5:00 am, taken care of my family, been at work all day playing firefighter, ring master at the zoo and trash collector. I’ve probably made a million different decisions between these 12 hours, spent endless amounts of time on the phone and starred at a computer screen all day. I’ve run personal errands and made personal phone calls during my lunch hour so no down time there. I’ve sat in endless meetings and been pulled in a million different directions all. day. long. It’s safe to say that by the end of the working day, my brain is toast. You would think that with all of that chaos crammed into 12 hours, it would be the biggest majority of my stress, right? 

What Working Moms Really Think About at Work. {A True Story}

On most days, being a mom is like using a blender: dump everything in, turn it on and watch it all go whirling around. It’s safe to say that my mind pretty much looks the same way while at work: a chaotic collection of random and completely messy thoughts, ideas and opinions. 

When you’re a working mom outside the home, your brain is never turned off. You are rarely, if ever, able to focus and have tunnel vision on any one thought, idea or task. It’s a constant and endless cycle of meshing your two worlds together – work and home. Often times, I find myself thinking of the most random and useless things so join me today as I share with you a very small glimpse into the mind of a working mom and what I’m really thinking about while at work:

25 Lessons I've Learned Since Becoming a Mom

This Sunday is Mother’s Day.

In many ways it feels just like yesterday that Maddy was placed in my arms, making me a mother. In many other ways, it seems like the time has drug on, and on and on. In the wee hours of the morning when you're up with a screaming baby it feels like those long days and nights are never going to end, but a new day comes with a fresh perspective and a renewed will to move forward and before you know it, you've blinked and the years have flown by.

Preparing for my fourth Mother’s Day has given me a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the last four years of being a mom. I've learned a lot about myself during this time; my strengths, weaknesses and the kind of woman and mother I want to be. Some of my memories are great. Some, not so hot, but they've all made me the woman I am today and helped to mold me for the mom I want to be. 

I'm Not Afraid of My Child Being Average. And Neither Should You.

A few weeks ago, I was reading through a few posts on a parenting forum I frequent where a conversation had sprung from a parent who was completely delirious and devastated that her child doesn’t seem to have a future as a “gifted” child. What kind of prospects could she possibly ever expect to have? What kind of life and future could she really obtain if she has to live her life as an “average” child?

Um… WTF. Seriously?

Letters to Madeline: The 20 Life Lessons You Really Need

Dear Madeline,

Allow me to cut to the chase on this one. By now, you know that’s just the type of mom I am: life, and people, can be a bit…challenging. 

Throughout your lifetime, you will read a lot of crap on the Internet (will that still be around when you’re my age?) and a lot of touchy-feely bullshit will be pushed on you all in an effort to cover up one slight error and false sense of security and entitlement because…