Dear Maddy: I Celebrate YOU on Mother's Day

Dearest Madeline,

Here we are, our fifth Mother’s Day together. Can you believe it? We’ve come a long way, haven’t we baby?

Our start together wasn’t easy. There were many long days and nights where I found myself sitting in a slobbering mess on the floor, begging God to take you back because I had no idea what I was doing. Surely the fact that He thought I should be someone’s mother was a mistake. My resume for motherhood wasn’t so hot since caring for 3 cats clearly isn’t the same as caring for a child. I couldn’t litter box train you, pet you and then put you down or simply ignore you all together as I could with my feline babies so what was I supposed to do with you? Neither of us had any answers so we did what any new mother and daughter duo would do together in those first few weeks…

Cry.

You would cry and I would cry and together, we made one sad little orchestra of “Oh my God, what the FUCK have I done?” Having a bout with post-partum depression didn’t help matters much but somehow, we pulled through. The days turned into weeks which turned into months and amongst the long nights of no sleep, the ups and downs of not being able to breast feed, the endless mountains of laundry, the spit up, the blow-outs and so much more crap that comes along with a baby that I can’t even recall…

We found each other.

You were my new constraint on life but you were gracious and gave me the freedom to learn how to be your mommy. You waited patiently as I took forever to calculate how much formula needed to be put in your bottle through my sleep-deprived eyes. You giggled with delight when I would put your diaper on backwards (“silly mommy” has always been your favorite). You would ever so simply frown at me when I got water in your eyes at bath time as if to say, “I’m going to let that one slide since you’re new at this.” You indulged me every time I wanted to dress you up in some monstrosity of an outfit that I, grandma or Target deemed to be “cute.” Together, we became a team: you gave me the room to learn and grow as a mom and in return, I fell head over heels in love with you.

As the years have passed, our relationship has continued to grow and change as it always will. There have been times of immense happiness and there have been times of tears and pain. There have been days where I’ve wanted to run screaming from our home and never look back, but there have been many more days where I’ve wanted to hold you forever and never let go. You have made me laugh. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me proud. You’ve made me so angry that I couldn’t even see straight. You’ve made me frustrated and overwhelmed beyond belief. You’ve made me a better person in so many ways but most importantly…

It is you who’ve made me a mother. 

This day may be called Mother’s Day but without you Maddy, it would just be another day on the calendar. In all your wonderfully amazing chaos, it is you who have made me the woman I am today and it is you who will continue to shape the woman I become years from now. In all the things you’ve given me in our almost six years together, the best thing you ever gave me was the opportunity to be your mother and for that blessing, I am eternally grateful.

On Sunday, yes, I will take time to celebrate myself but in doing so, I will celebrate you as well. I am SO PROUD to be your mother. Every day I look at you and think to myself how incredibly amazing and fabulous you are and to think that your father and I created that? Well, it blows my fucking mind. 

It’s only Mother’s Day because of you, my love. It has always been, and will always be, about you. Thank you for being my child. 

Always and forever,

Mommy

Letters to Madeline: 15 Things You Should Know About Your Mom

Dear Maddy, 

In as much as this blog is a place to talk about the ups and downs of parenting, life and kiddos, it is also somewhat of a journal for you to look back on to see how much I bitched about not getting any sleep, drinking copious amounts of coffee and my crazy, chaotic life in general as a full-time working mom.

I kid, I kid.

But really, even though my blog has been a journal for me and a way to connect and share with so many other amazing moms, it has also been a vault of treasures for you to look back on and (hopefully) laugh and smile (considering past posts such as this, I can only hope you'll laugh!) Whether it’s good, bad or ugly, you will know it has all been genuine and I think that’s what’s important.

Madeline, you will find that true, genuine people are very rare to find in this world. I often feel smitten when I find people who are honestly able to live life as themselves without apology, excuse or hesitation. To be yourself takes courage, commitment and strength because this world and the people in it will try to change you to convince you that it’s better or cooler to be the “it” thing of the moment. 

Don’t fall for any of it. It’s all lies. 

Yes, you will go through the awkward stages of figuring out who you really are but once you find yourself, hold tight to it and never EVER let go. Don’t forget yourself.

Along these lines of being genuine, I thought it important to share with you a few honest facts about yours truly. After all, we’re going to be together for a long, long time. Right now, you know me as “mommy” but sweetie, I’m so much more than that person, and you deserve to know the genuine truth of who I am. I’m also Courtney, my own person, and I’ve been living my own life for a long time now – even before you were even thought of. It would be easy to gloss over myself and solely think of only you (which I do to a point) but you deserve to see an example of a woman aiming to live a complete life, just not as half a person. So, for better or for worse, here are a few things you should know about your mom…

…I don’t like odd numbers. I’m pretty OCD about this. I don’t know why or how this came to be but for me, I like things nice and even.

…People think I’m a very outgoing and a social extravert but honestly, I have to work hard to be this way. My natural tendency is to be somewhat private and reserved. I can also be very shy around people I don’t know.

…Growing up, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Then a lawyer. Then the President of the United States. Somehow, I ended up in the marketing and communications field and at 40, I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. You could say that I suffer from career wanderlust.

…You were never a part of my life plan. I never thought for a moment that I would have the chance to be a parent. I had resided myself to thinking that I would live a life without children. You were the most splendid, amazing, beautiful surprise of my life. You don’t remind me of all my fears in parenting. From the moment you were born, when I look at you, you have been and will always be my reason for everything.

…In the order of the things I love most in my life, under you, God and daddy comes the great State of Tennessee. This is a love affair that will never die. Your mommy is a Volunteer through and through. 

…I’ve been married…and divorced. I’ve learned a lot about love the hard way and while there is a part of me that hopes you never have to, I know that one day someone will break your heart and I’m here to tell you – it will be okay. The pain will come, but it will go and you will pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep moving forward. You will learn a lot about yourself but most importantly, you will learn for yourself the most important qualities in finding the perfect mate.

…I expect a lot from you. I will ride your ass like Tonto. Yes, I want you to have a happy and carefree childhood but it’s mine and your father’s responsibility to raise you and quite honestly, the world doesn’t need any more assholes. Your father and I expect you to carry yourself in a certain way that not only takes care of you but shows others that you care for them as well.

…I have a very bad habit of eating away my sorrows. I’m working on fixing that but it’s still challenging.

 …I cuss. A lot. I’m trying hard to work on this around you but damnit, some habits are hard to break.

…Growing up, your mommy was a HUGE tomboy. Skateboards, playing in creeks and hanging out with the boys in our neighborhood made me the happiest.

…I don’t like raisins and applesauce. Your grandma will try to convince you otherwise).

…I do LOVE Mexican food, Sushi and bacon.

…My biggest pet peeves are people who blow their nose at the dinner table, someone talking to me while I’m trying to read or use the bathroom and liars.

...All I’ve ever needed to know about life can be summed up in this statement: Never let anyone with bad eye brows or an Alabama fan tell you shit about life.

…I am a hopeless optimist. This may very well get on your nerves at times but when you figure out that looking at the glass half full instead of empty makes life a little sweeter and easier, you’ll thank me.

Love,
Mommy

If you missed the earlier installments of ‘Letters to Madeline’ you can read them here:

Letters to Madeline: 7 Things I Want You to Remember About Starting Kindergarten

Letters to Madeline: These Are the Things I Wish for You

Letters to Madeline: These Are the 20 Life Lessons You Really Need

Letters to Madeline: Happy 4^th Birthday!

Letters to Madeline: How I Met Your Father
Letters to Madeline: Meet Your Mommy

Last Night You Cried Yourself To Sleep...And I Didn't Care

Dear Maddy,

Let’s talk about what happened last night. Last night was rough, there’s no other way to say it. Lately, life with you, albeit amazing most of the time, has been trying. Kindergarten has brought so many wonderful things into our lives that I wouldn’t trade for the world but with it, have also come a few challenges in behavior that I would be happy to trade in a heartbeat.

Lately, the name of your game is ‘let’s test the boundaries!” This has been one of your favorite games for a while now and will continue to be moving forward – I realize and accept this – however, last night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. You were mouthy. You talked back. You weren’t listening or doing anything your father and I asked you to do. You were being a smart ass.

You were being five and in being five, I’ve come to the conclusion that basically, you’re the equivalent of a walking, talking middle finger.

All evening you pushed, and pushed, and pushed… until I finally reached my limit. I lost my temper and became the hard ass. You lost bedtime privileges and when it was all said and done, you were laid to bed in a puddle of tears. As I closed the door to your bedroom, you looked up at me with those big, beautiful brown eyes and gave me a look as if to say, “Why are you doing this to me, mommy?”

In that instance, I felt an enormous amount of guilt and sadness over the way I reacted. For a moment, I started to second guess myself and my choices but then I remembered why I shouldn’t…

… Because first and foremost, I’m your mother and not your friend.

… Because it’s my job to raise you, not coddle you.

… Because it’s important that you understand right from wrong, respect and decency.

… Because you must understand that you are a part of this world, not that the world revolves around you.

… Because it’s my job as your parent to make sure you grow up to be a kind and thoughtful human-being and not an entitled, bratty little shit.

As hard as it was at first to close your door and not go back to soothe you, I stood my ground. I did it because that’s real love. As your mother, I love you too much to tolerate anything less than what I know you have the ability to give.

Maddy, I look at this picture of you and see so many of the amazing qualities I love about you: your confidence, your strong-willed tendencies, and your independence. All of these traits are going to be an asset to you as you grow up in this challenging world. I always want you to keep these qualities. These same qualities that drive me crazy at times are the same ones that will help you succeed when challenges come your way. Having said this, it’s learning how to harness and control them so they work to your benefit and not your detriment that’s key and this, my dear, is the delicate balance a parent always walks: giving you the opportunity to foster and enhance your fire while keeping it in check without crushing your soul in the process.

As I write this, it’s a new day. You woke up this morning with the biggest smile on your face and the very first words out of your mouth were, “Mommy, I’m sorry.” We sat for a while in your bed and hugged and all of the feelings from the night before washed away. Nights like last night won’t be the last time we hit some hard roadblocks, kiddo. Some days will be good and some days will be shit but even on the shitty days, I will love you and I always want you to remember this one thing…

I love you too much to tolerate anything less than what I know you have the ability to give.

Love always,
Mommy 

Letters to Madeline: 7 Things I Want You To Remember About Starting Kindergarten

Dear Maddy,

Today is your last day of day care. I will hold your little hand as we walk inside your preschool classroom for the last time. We will end this part of your life in the same way we started – together. Since you were three months old, you’ve been in day care. In this time, you’ve learned so much: how to walk, how to talk, how to socialize, colors, numbers, and so much more. Your father and I have watched you grow from a helpless baby into a semi-independent girl and on Monday, you will start a new chapter of your life – kindergarten, or “big girl school” as you like to call it.

Although you’ve been to day care and preschool all these years, kindergarten will be different. This is what I’m told anyway. I wouldn’t know as I haven’t been there in 35 years, but the important thing to remember is that it’s the start of your official school record. It’s such an exciting time for you, Maddy. There are so many things I want to tell you about what you’re getting ready to experience but for now, this is what I want to tell you:

Do What You Know Is Right.

You have been raised to know right from wrong and you are blessed with the gift of discernment. Listen to the still, small voice that guides and directs you every day. Stand firm in what you know is good and right even if it’s not popular or well-received. At the end of the day, your character is the only thing that matters. Don’t compromise it for anyone.

Respect Your Teacher.

Aside from your father and me, your teacher (hopefully) will be your biggest support and advocate in your learning. This person has sacrificed their own time and money to give you the best start possible to your school career. Respect that, and the job they are doing that helps you.

Be Yourself.

One of the best things about starting kindergarten is the opportunity to make new friends and while that’s exciting and new all at the same time, don’t forget who you are. It’s okay to be different. Our differences is what makes the world go ‘round. Appreciate the talents and ideas that your new friends bring to the table but never forget what makes you truly special – simply being you.

Accept That You Will Make Mistakes and That’s Okay. 

The only guarantees in life are death, taxes and mistakes. Everyone makes them as we are all imperfect. I’m 40 and mess things up every day. Don’t beat yourself up when you make a mistake, instead, learn from it. Grow from it and keep your life moving. No successful person ever got anywhere wallowing in their self-pitty and goof-ups.

Never Stop Asking Questions and Being Curious. 

One of the many things I love about you is your curiosity. You’re always asking me or daddy questions about everything. Don’t ever lose your sense of wonderment in the world around you. Yes, it will make you a better student but more importantly, a better person. Keep your mind and heart open to new experiences, places and people.

Embrace and Celebrate Diversity. 

We are all unique in our own ways and bring something different to the table. All of us want to be loved, befriended and accepted for who we are. If you see that another child is struggling or needs help, ask what you can do to assist. Never make fun or pick on anyone. You wouldn’t want it done to you, right?

Don’t Forget to Have Fun!

You will only be young once. As you get older, you will gain more responsibility so yes, while kindergarten is the beginning of your scholastic career… its still just kindergarten (shhhhh. You never heard me say that). Don’t forget to laugh, to play and relish in your youth. One day you will be old, like me.

Oh, Maddy. I’m so proud of you and excited to see what is in store over the next year. I can’t wait to hear about all the amazing and wonderful things you’re going to do and learn over the next year. This is such an exciting time for you and for your dad and me as well. Per the usual, I’m sure you will handle this all with so much grace while your good ole mom is wrapped up in the fetal position crying myself to sleep. You may have to help me out a little bit, okay?

So on Monday, I will take your hand once more, albeit a little more grown up and walk with you into the next chapter of your life.

Just remember to wash your hands, okay? 

A Letter To My Daughter's Future Kindergarten Teacher

Dear Teacher,

We haven’t met yet so allow me to introduce myself: I’m Courtney, and I’m Maddy’s mom and on next Monday, my daughter will be in your care during the day. She is so excited to start “big girl school” which makes me happy but on the other hand, I'm a little scared and sad, too.

To be completely honest with you, I have a lot of anxiety about reaching this milestone. I worry about my daughter. I worry about her making new friends easily and fitting in. She can be painfully shy. I worry about her getting into trouble. She can be very stubborn and strong-willed when she wants to be. I worry about her losing her love of learning as I’ve seen it happen to other kids as they start school. I’m worried that she will get lost in her new surroundings. She can sometimes be forgetful. It’s hard to see a part of your heart grow up and walk out the door.

Dear Maddy: On Sunday, You Will Be Five

Over the past year, you’ve experienced so much change. We moved to Pittsburgh. You started a new school, where you learned about a chrysalis and how it changes into a beautiful butterfly. 

And on Sunday, you will be five.

I remember very clearly the day I saw your transformation. It was an evening at home. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and you walked in and asked, “Mama, can I please watch Paw Patrol?” I told you yes as I handed you a plate of grapes and we walked into the living room. You sat down, crossed your legs like a little lady and placed the plate on your lap. “Thank you, mama,” you said as I got the show for you. As I turned to walk back into the kitchen, I looked at you. At five, you’re long and lean, there is no baby fat or baby rolls left on you. Most times when you sit, you sit with your legs crossed. Your wisps of baby hair have blossomed into full-grown curls and your face has transformed from the happy-go-lucky baby and toddler I once knew to full-blown little girl: curious, thoughtful and beautiful. It was at this point that I realized you had turned from toddler to little girl right before my eyes.

What Will My Daughter Remember About Her Childhood?

This weekend while entertaining our out of town friends Joe and Mimi, I took some time to sit with Maddy in the living room and simply play blocks with her. It’s one of the things she enjoys most; building a car wash to run her Hot Wheels through or a Target or Chick-fil-a, two of the places we frequent the most. Michael was deep in the middle of cooking dinner with help from Joe and Mimi so it was the perfect opportunity to get some one-on-one time with my girl. As we sat and played, Mimi looked over to me and said, “I remember my mother playing with me. It’s one of the best memories I have of her growing up. Whether she was reading a book to me at bedtime or playing a board game with me, those are the times I remember most and cherish. You are doing such a good thing with Maddy by playing with her. She will always remember this time together.” 

It was such a sweet comment and compliment. I tried to allow myself the momentary feel good, the positive. As moms, I think we have a wonderful way of poo-pooing compliments anyone may extend to us about our parenting. We are gold medal winners at finding exceptions, excuses and rebuttals as to why we don’t deserve compliments or positive commentary on our abilities, but the more the comment marinated in my mind, the more I began to feel uncomfortable and fretful. The more the word, “remember” turned over and over again in my mind, the more I couldn’t help but feel worried.

Letters to Madeline: These Are The Things I Wish For You

My Dearest Madeline,

I could start by telling you how proud I am of the little girl you’re becoming or how every day, I marvel in all the amazing ways you’re growing up and becoming your own person: headstrong, confident, independent and brilliantly funny. The changes I see in you, some big and some small, are coming fast and fleeting right before my eyes. One minute, I remember you as the small and dependent baby you literally were just a few years ago and the next minute, you’re pulling me back into reality with the eight words that have become your life’s mode of operation lately: “Mommy! I can do it all by myself!!!”

I could go on by telling you how the lessons your grandma and poppy and your great-grandmother and great-grandfather taught me shaped my views on life – the kind that mold and create you and have a way of changing your life forever. Each one of them had their own hopes and wishes of what my life would be and become. All of them also said a lot but if they hadn’t said anything at all, that would have been okay too. Each of them have lived their lives by example with their actions showing far more than any words could ever describe, and even though there have been times when we haven’t agreed or even been upset with each other, there has never been a time that I didn’t feel loved, supported or feared that I would ever lose their love. I knew with all of my being that whatever missteps I took in this life, each of them would stand beside me to love and support me along the way. I knew this, and you should too.

Maddy, it’s a crazy mixed bag of emotions when you become a parent and none of it you will ever understand as my child until you have a child of your own. That’s cliché as hell to throw on you but it’s honestly the truth. I could go on and on about lessons, life and how I hope it will affect you all but really, there would never be an end to this letter. Instead, allow me to share a few of my hopes and wishes for you, my dear.

Four Ways to Teach Our Kids How to do Good In a World Full of Hate

If there's one thing I've learned over the last four years of being a parent, it's that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I’m just being honest. I read all the books, took all the classes, listened to all the unwanted advice, and watched all the parenting videos but let's be real - there is nothing that can prepare you for having your first child. It's a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. Between the lack of sleep, adjusting to a new life and new normal, and learning about your child, it's easy to get caught up in the day to day hum-drum of life and forget our focus as parents. While I admit that I’m still learning every day how to do this parenting gig right, there was one concept that I was certain of from the day that Maddy was born that I wanted her to understand: How to not only be good but to do good in this world. 

I believe this characteristic of fostering good works starts early in childhood development and is either fostered to its full potential or thrown to the wayside as our children grow up to be adults. I would say that from her sixth month on, Michael and I made it a point to begin instilling the ‘Not only be good but do good’ mentality into Maddy’s everyday life. It’s not a method that comes easily because it requires constant attention to our own actions, but it’s something that we work towards on a daily basis in getting her to understand good works and how our actions, words and deeds affect others.

40 Things I've Learned in 40 Years

Well, on Saturday I turn 40. I’m not quite sure how this happened. I certainly don’t feel 40. What is 40 supposed to feel like, anyway? If it’s still laughing at farts, using light sabers to play Star Wars in the toy isle at Target and enjoying episodes of Peppa Pig, then yeah – I’m 40. Otherwise, I’m not interested.

I'm Not Afraid of My Child Being Average. And Neither Should You.

A few weeks ago, I was reading through a few posts on a parenting forum I frequent where a conversation had sprung from a parent who was completely delirious and devastated that her child doesn’t seem to have a future as a “gifted” child. What kind of prospects could she possibly ever expect to have? What kind of life and future could she really obtain if she has to live her life as an “average” child?

Um… WTF. Seriously?

Working Mom Organization: Practical Tips For Life That Actually Work

One of the most frequent questions I get asked as a working mom is how I keep our life organized. How do we get out of the door in the morning in one piece, sane and on time? How do you juggle work time and family time? How do you keep it all balanced? 

Well friends, allow me to be honest. I don’t really have a concrete answer to those questions because on any given day, life happens. The day care calls un-expectantly to ask me to pick up the sick kiddo. I get a flat tire. Starbucks is out of soy milk to make my chai tea latte (the freaking horror!). You get the drift – life happens.

Letters to Madeline: The 20 Life Lessons You Really Need

Dear Madeline,

Allow me to cut to the chase on this one. By now, you know that’s just the type of mom I am: life, and people, can be a bit…challenging. 

Throughout your lifetime, you will read a lot of crap on the Internet (will that still be around when you’re my age?) and a lot of touchy-feely bullshit will be pushed on you all in an effort to cover up one slight error and false sense of security and entitlement because…