It's Really Very Simple...Don't Be an Asshole.

 

On Saturday during Maddy's nap time, I decided to visit a thrift shop down the road from us that I've been itching to check out for a while. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have a love of antique stores, thrift shops and Goodwill stores. It takes some time, but you can often find great things in these stores and I'm always one to look for a bargain. 

I did my usual browsing and enjoyed the quiet time I had to myself for a while. It's not often that I'm able to go anywhere without a vivacious and busy child strapped to my side so I relished my solitude for this brief time. Two hours later, I found a few good items to buy and made my way to the checkout counter. What I found there however, was not expected.

Standing in line in front of me was a young pregnant woman who appeared to be in her last months of pregnancy. With her were her two other children - a toddler and another child around four to five years old. With one glance, it was easy to see that this poor mother was overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed. To make matters worse, the two children with her were breaking down; crying fits, tantrums - the works. 

The store was very busy and packed with shoppers and as I looked around at the people in line in front and in back of me, I heard the judgmental, grumpy, critical references from other shoppers regarding her children's crying and behavior yet, no one would step up and offer any assistance, even the other mothers there with their own children (you know, the same ones who've probably had this very same problem themselves and know how it feels?!) It was at that point that I realized that even if I stood there silent not saying a word, not being critical, that I was still allowing the bad to happen to this woman if I didn't stand up and do something to help. So I did. I stepped forward and asked if there was something I could do to help. It was a simple gesture but immediately, I could see the panic, the worry and the stress drain from her face as she released a sigh of relief and her composure eased a bit. I took the kids and kept them occupied for the time that it took for their mom to pay for their clothing and leave.

I don't tell you this story to boast or to earn brownie points in the eyes of anyone. I tell you this story because it is extremely bothersome to me as to why this problem - this lack of courtesy, respect and downright civility and concern for others in our society, even has to be an issue to begin with. Have we become so shallow, so self-centered and so jaded as humans that we can no longer put aside our own feelings to help those in need?  Simply by looking at this woman it was easy to see that she was in distress and needed a helping hand yet, there were none to be found. What would it have cost anyone to take a few minutes out of their day to help this woman occupy and entertain her children while she tried to check out? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Yet - it was easier for most people to stand around, do nothing and be critical all at the same time. 

As I walked out of the store, this young woman was waiting for me. She wanted to thank me for taking the time to help her with her children. More so, she wanted me to know how much my act of kindness really meant to her. You see, this woman's husband had lost his job a while back which in turn, led them down the stairway of debt, bankruptcy and loss. Not too long after they were forced to move out of their home because of a foreclosure, her husband decided he couldn't deal with the stress, the disappointment and the embarrassment of life and what had happened to his family so he decided to commit suicide. She was left to be alone - 8 months pregnant with two children - scrapping to make ends meet to provide for her family all while trying to keep it together for her kids. 

Friends, we never really know the struggles of others. Everyone is fighting a battle of some sort. Why do we find it so incredibly easy, to off the cuff, be assholes to others... and usually, for no good reason? Yes - it is a strong word to use but it's the majority of the mentality that is allowed to exist and permeate in our society today. We don't get our way? Act like an asshole. Experience disappointments, letdowns and trials? Act like an asshole. Encounter a single mother with two crying kids and it's annoying to you? Yep, you guessed it - act like an asshole. Most of us are so wrapped up in our own little worlds that we fail to see that we're not the only ones living in it.  

Where is your heart? Better yet - where is your brain? It's the very basic principle of extending a helping hand to those in need that we try so very hard to instill in our children yet we lack the actual work and showing by example of what the words "Be nice to others" really means. Children, while they hear our words, actually learn by our actions. 

What are yours saying? I encourage each of us to try a little harder to be a little better. Most people on a day to day basis are simply trying to live their lives the best they can - in their homes, in their jobs and with their children. Calm the hell down and cut people a break. Isn't life hard enough on each of us without all the extra added hostility and hatefulness? Wouldn't you want the same courtesy and kindness extended to you if you needed it? 

In the end, you can be one of two things: you can be kind or you can be an asshole. It's a conscience choice that you make...the amount of effort that goes into being one or the other is the same.

{This post originally appeared on the blog in November of 2013 but seriously bears repeating...a lot.}

Shit! I Sound Like My Mom. Words and Phrases I Swore I'd Never Say as a Parent

It had been an extremely long day. Actually, I hadn't showered all weekend, nor had I changed my clothes over two days and to top it off, I looked like something from Night of the Living Dead. Maddy was around 18 months and was...well...I don't even know what the word would be; wild, crazy, and unmanageable - take your pick. I was a single parent while Michael was away for about 9 days at residency and in the back of my mind, I was plotting his death for leaving me alone with our little tyrant. (Love you, babe!) 

I remember the moment clearly - I was trying to clean up Maddy's room for bed time and every time I would put a toy in its place, Chickie would promptly take it back out again. I asked her to stop several times and each moment was met with that coy look that clearly said, "Challenge accepted." This went on for a few minutes and I found myself at my boiling point. As Chickie reached for another toy, I firmly said "Nooooo" and then removed the truck from her hands. The waterworks and gnashing of teeth started immediately and before I could stop myself, I heard it...

I heard my mother. "Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

It's sad but true.

As much as we all try to avoid it, in some way, shape, or form, we all become a sliver of our mothers at some point and time during parenthood. I think it commonly happens in what we say to our children. Not that we mean for it to happen but sometimes the days are long, our patience is short and before we know it - Oops! Out it slips. 

I've been known to throw down some gems in my short 3.5 years with Maddy. Allow me to share a few:

"Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about."

"Get your fingers out of your nose| butt | diaper."

"Do you want to go in time out?" (As if I'm going to get an affirmative to this)

"I will count to 3..."

"If I have to come over there and get you, you won't like it"

"Let's see who can be quiet the longest" (The quiet game)

And the coup de gras of all mom quotes...

"So help me if I have to pull this car over..."

Yep. I've been there and done that with all of these...many, many times over.

And you know what? I'm not the least bit ashamed of it. The way I see it, I feel as if by saying all of these "mom quotes", I've been officially indoctrinated into the mom club. I've always felt like I didn't feel like an "official" mom until certain things happened to me as a parent anyway...

Get pooped and peed on? Check.
Pull an all-nighter with a sick baby? Check.
Sleep in positions I never dreamed my body was capable of just to keep my baby asleep? 

Check and double check.

Thrown out some uber-cheesy, stereotypical mom quotes?

Check, double check, and triple check!!

Not that it's easier, but parenting a newborn is completely different than parenting a toddler or preschooler. Newborns don't know that they are capable of having options, opinions and doing things their way or on their own like toddlers discover as they get older. Newborns sit where ever you place them and stay there but more importantly - 

They don't talk nor do they talk back. 

They have nothing to say. They don't scream like banshees when they don't get their way and they don't act like dictators with their wants, wishes or needs. Taking a trip to Toddlerville every day is like suiting up for battle: gird your loins ladies and gents because someone is going to get it in the crotch. They are coming for you and they are fully loaded.

And it's these crazy, chaotic and delirious types of days where we find comfort in unconsciously using the words of our own mothers and you know what - IT'S OKAY. Embrace those quotes. Laugh at them. The way I see it, using them is a rite of passage for all parents and more so, is a rite of passage for every child to hear as they grow up.  Who doesn't have an absolutely hysterical story of their mom looking like a rabid dog while she's swatting flies in the back seat (Trying to get to your head) while driving and yelling loud enough for everyone to hear, "Don't make me pull this car over!!!" If you don't have a story like that, I kind of feel sad for you.

Good times. Good times.

To end, I also want to share another mom quote that we heard a lot growing up in my parent's home - more so A hundred times more than any of the other quotes I mentioned above...

"I love you."

And in the end, that quote is the one our kids will remember and cherish the most. Think about it - more times than not, your child will laugh at you when you try to be the boss however, they will cling close to you forever when they know they are hearing the truth of your feelings. I know I did and still do. If I can be half the mom to Madeline that my mom was to me (Mom quotes included) I'll be satisfied with my job as a parent.

Keep it funny moms. I'd hate to have to pull this blog over.

What quotes do you find yourself saying that remind you of your mom?

Children Are Not Entitled: 4 Things Parents Don't Owe Their Children

It seems like most people in our society today are obsessed with what they are owed, what they aren’t getting and what they are entitled to. I hear and come into contact with so many adults who at times, sound like little children which begs the question…

What message are we sending to our children with this attitude of entitlement? Are we teaching them how to have an attitude of gratitude and to work hard or are we equipping them to be lazy and make excuses for why things do and don’t happen for them.

I can’t count the number of times that I’m in a store and hear a child complaining to their parents, “But I want that toy!” or “It’s not fair! Susie has this same toy, why can’t I?” or “I’ve been good! Why can’t I have it?” And while kids will be kids {we’ve all had to deal with a major meltdown a time or two} the messages we send to our kids in these moments is vital. It’s the difference of our children understanding that not everything in life is fair and that sometimes, the answer is simply “No.” 

And guess what. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your child “No” from time to time. You don’t have to feel bad for being the parent who says “No.” I’ve often wondered from time to time how some adults could have turned out differently if their parents had told them “No” a few times along the way. It seems to me that this simple word “No” has a great way of teaching our children that they are not owed or entitled to anything and everything. 

While we as parents do owe our children some things; love, support, a comfortable home, food, a healthy and nurturing lifestyle and more, there are some things we simply don’t owe our children as parents or for them to be entitled. 

An explanation. This simple basic principle was a hard one for me to understand growing up because I always had such an inquisitive and rebellious mind. Now that I have a child of my own, I get it and I don’t feel the need to explain every decision and choice I make for my daughter to her. Sometimes as parents, it comes down to “Because I said that’s the way it’s going to be” and that’s it.

Rewards for good behavior and following directions. Are there times when our daughter gets a materialistic reward for doing something right? Absolutely, but it’s not the norm. I also make it a point to tell her, “That’s great you have your listening ears on and you’re following directions. That’s what you’re supposed to do. Keep it up!” It’s a verbal, positive reinforcement. My take is that life is not a hand out and that you don’t always get recognized or rewarded simply for doing what it right. You should be doing those things anyway without an expectation to be compensated.

Curbside service. This one grates on my nerves. You have a child who wants something and they want it now. So many times I see parents giving into this demanding and harsh behavior and it kills me. Since when do the kids get to make all the rules and set the level of “service” they are to receive? There are many lessons to be had in teaching patience. Many times in life, we don’t get instant gratification. Most times, we have to wait patiently for the right things to come along at the right time. I cringe to think how many children are being taught that it’s okay to have such a demanding demeanor simply because their parents catered to every single whim. Sorry, Maddy. It’s not happening in our home.

That they should win every single game they play. It’s perfectly acceptable for our children to lose. As much as we want to see them be the best at everything, the reality is that this is just not possible so why should we set our kids up for unattainable goals? I think this does so much more of a disservice than a service in molding the types of adults they will grow up to be. Every child should learn the valuable lesson of losing because it teaches them how to do it graciously and how to cope with rejection. If they learn these lessons early on, they can easily adjust to the curve balls life will throw at them.

In a perfect world, our children would all be perfect and would never have to know of the hard lessons of life. Unfortunately, this isn’t the world we live in. I feel it’s our job as parent’s to equip them the best we can for the challenges and life situations that lay ahead, and while rewards and compensation have their place, I think it’s far more important to teach our children the difference between the things in life they have to work for vs. the things in life that are freely given. 

What do you think? What are your thoughts on entitlement for children?