When Your Only Child Wants a Sibling

At first the statements and requests of having a brother or sister happened occasionally and usually without warning. “Maddy, can you please pass me the ketchup?” I’d say over dinner to which she would casually reply, “Okay. Hey mommy. Why don’t I have a brother or sister? Can I get one?” she asks, as if it’s that easy, like we’re doing our normal Target run on a Saturday and oh hey! While you’re getting that twelve pack of TP, don’t forget to swing down isle seven for a sister!

The truth is, I expected the questions and curiosity… I just wasn’t expecting them so soon at the ripe old age of five. Sure, we’ve talked many times about how babies grow in a mommy’s belly, the diversity of families and how some people have kids while others don’t but lately, the questions and demands for a sibling have become more frequent and as a result, have often left me questioning my own choice to be one and done with regards to parenting.

When you become a parent, your main objective immediately becomes: give your child the best life possible; schooling, personal care and development, guidance, healthcare – everything. In every choice you make that involves your family, your thoughts and considerations always turn to the child first – “Will this choice be a good one for my child? How will it affect him/her?” I can only speak for myself but I’ve always tried to consider Maddy’s feelings, wants and wishes when it comes to a few of my choices. It’s not always easy and rarely is it ever cut and dry. Most of the time, there is a huge grey area in parenting, especially with choices that not only affect the child, but yourself as well. Yes, you want to consider your child’s feelings but at what cost? I’ve always been a firm believer that just because parents want to give their child the best life possible, that doesn’t mean that said parents have to completely forfeit theirs.  At what point do your own wants outweigh your child’s? Here’s another way to look at it…

When flying, have you ever noticed during the flight instructions that the flight attendant tells you in situations where oxygen masks are released, to give yourself oxygen first before trying to help others? I’ll admit, the first few times I heard that I thought, “How selfish!” It’s only been since I’ve become a parent that I’ve come to really understand this philosophy, which is simply, you have to be okay first before you can even think about helping or making decisions for others. Your own foundation has to be solid in order for you to know how to move forward. Sometimes in parenting, it’s a dire necessity to be selfish. Sometimes in the messy and chaotic thick of the everyday, it’s imperative to your own well-being that you think of what’s best for yourself first, then consider others and what their needs might be. This is why Maddy will always be an only child. I know what my limitations are. I know that in order for me to breathe and to be the best parent possible, I can only be a parent to one.

Do I ever feel guilty about my choice? Sure. It’s hard not to when the child you love more than anything and want to make happy comes to you and asks for a brother or a sister and you have to be the bearer of bad news. It’s hard to try and explain such grown up things to a five year old, but I try. I’m honest with Maddy and I share my true feelings and I think she understands. Most times, I get the feeling that what she hears is Charlie Brown’s teacher saying, “Wok, wok, wok, wok, wok.” Time will tell. In the end, I hope she comes to know that our choice for her to be an only child never came from a selfish place. Quite the opposite, really. I hope she understands that our choice to be one and done came from a place of love and concern. A place that in order for us to be the best parents possible, she was enough.

So in the end, I’ve decided to do what every normal, only child parent does. Compromise. I will get her a dog instead.