I'm Not Afraid of My Child Being Average. And Neither Should You.

A few weeks ago, I was reading through a few posts on a parenting forum I frequent where a conversation had sprung from a parent who was completely delirious and devastated that her child doesn’t seem to have a future as a “gifted” child. What kind of prospects could she possibly ever expect to have? What kind of life and future could she really obtain if she has to live her life as an “average” child?

Um… WTF. Seriously?

Working Mom Organization: Practical Tips For Life That Actually Work

One of the most frequent questions I get asked as a working mom is how I keep our life organized. How do we get out of the door in the morning in one piece, sane and on time? How do you juggle work time and family time? How do you keep it all balanced? 

Well friends, allow me to be honest. I don’t really have a concrete answer to those questions because on any given day, life happens. The day care calls un-expectantly to ask me to pick up the sick kiddo. I get a flat tire. Starbucks is out of soy milk to make my chai tea latte (the freaking horror!). You get the drift – life happens.

Letters to Madeline: The 20 Life Lessons You Really Need

Dear Madeline,

Allow me to cut to the chase on this one. By now, you know that’s just the type of mom I am: life, and people, can be a bit…challenging. 

Throughout your lifetime, you will read a lot of crap on the Internet (will that still be around when you’re my age?) and a lot of touchy-feely bullshit will be pushed on you all in an effort to cover up one slight error and false sense of security and entitlement because…

All Moms Are Working Moms

Dear Working Moms:

Today, you’re all on my mind. Whether your office is in a professional building or in the comfort of your own home, I’ve been thinking about you. Whether you’re a married mom or a single mom, whether you dress up in a suit to go into the city or slide on your yoga pants in the morning to take care of your kids for the day, it’s important to say…

We’re all working moms.

One does not negate the other. One does not outshine the other. One is not even remotely better than the other. Regardless of whether or not you work outside or inside of the home, if you’re a mom…

You’re a working mom.

But You're Laughing! You Can't Have Depression!

When I heard about Robin William’s passing in 2014, I wasn’t surprised and shocked to hear the news as most people were. Instead, what I felt was an immense amount of sadness and a deep connection to a man I had never met and all I could do was shake my head and say a prayer. My heart immediately knew why he had left this world because my life, like so many millions of other peoples’ lives, have dealt with, and been affected by, depression and mental health issues. 

I am a mother who struggles with depression. Most days are good. I am one of the very few, fortunate souls who have found a medication that works to fill in the gaps in my mind that otherwise without meds, would leave it imbalanced and incomplete. And while my medication works its magic quietly behind the scenes to keep my brain from turning on me, I know all too well that it will never be a cure for my illness and that at any time, my meds could stop working. It is always a game of Russian roulette. Some days are good, some days are bad. Step up to the plate and spin the wheel. 

When the news of Robin William’s death broke, millions of people made comments such as:

“I had no idea he was struggling.”

“But he was a comedian. He was always laughing. He made me laugh.”

“I never knew he struggled with depression and bi-polar disorder.”

And that’s usually how it goes but it’s also the point – depression doesn’t discriminate. Depression is real. It is a horrible, unforgiving disease that is relentless in consuming its victims. People who suffer from depression can't help their disease any more than they can help the color of their eyes. It is a medical, biological imbalance. And while most who suffer still cling to hope of a cure - or just one peaceful day - a large majority suffer in silence daily with no peace and no refuge. There is no hiding from depression and bi-polar illness. Instead, there is only masking. Mask the pain. Mask the struggle. Mask the voices. 

I know this game well. I’ve played it many, many times in my life. 

“Smile. Don’t let them see you hurt.”

“Laugh, make jokes, and be “normal” so they don’t see the tears.”

“Talk and think positively to shut out all the self-hate and self-loathing.”

It makes sense that most people would have never known Robin was sick and how he had the amazing ability to naturally fit the roles of drastic, struggling human emotion given to him with such ease. It always made sense to me. He was good at playing the roles of struggle and covering his illness because he was struggling. 

And I have too. 

I am a healthy woman. I have a beautiful daughter and loving partner. I have a great job, wonderful friends, and an amazing and supportive family…a great life yet – some days – this isn’t enough to fight off the demons of depression and the voices that tell me “You are not good enough. Nothing will ever be good enough.” My brain has tried to convince me many, many times that the world would be better off without me. That I’m no good. That I’ll never do anything right or amount to anything so why bother. My own brain – attacking me. 

With depression and bi-polar disease, your brain will lie to you, it will turn on you. Of course it’s all lies, but in a depressive episode, you can’t and won’t distinguish between reality and the lies. It is a gut-wrenching battle that never ends. 

If you take nothing else away from this post today, please let it be this: Those who suffer from any form of mental illness, whether it be big or small, are not flawed, crazy individuals. No one would ever choose to suffer from mental illness because that’s what it is – an illness. Just as you would have empathy, sympathy, and understanding for anyone going through another kind of illness (cancer, contagious disease, etc.), those suffering from mental illness deserve nothing less than the same compassion. If you are not familiar with mental illness in any of its capacities, I urge you to check out the National Alliance on Mental Illness website and get yourself educated on the facts of mental illness and do what you can to help those suffering find a way home. A way to peace.

When I heard the news of Robin William’s passing, all I could do was cry and understand because I have been there too. I know how close I’ve been to feeling his struggle and how his path could very well have been mine.

Dealing With Unsolicited Parenting Advice

I remember the incident as if it were yesterday.

I just had my first baby. Madeline was only about a week old and it was my first attempt to go grocery shopping with baby sans Michael {which by the way, WTF was I thinking?} I had not slept in days. My hair was in dire need of an oil change and I'm pretty certain that I was wearing a pair of yoga pants with a hole in the thigh so big, that it would have rivaled the Grand Canyon.  I was a walking zombie; no make-up, no hair did, nada.

I could have cared less.

The fact that I was even out with a newborn and grocery shopping to boot was impressive in my book. Up to that point, Michael had pretty much been the errand boy and was doing his best to keep up with work and daddy duty. It was time for me to buck up, put on my big girl panties and brave the outings with my child.

So there we were in Kroger, just us girls. Things were going great for about the first thirty minutes and then it happened. I got the cranky baby hungry face. You know that face. That face don't play, but it's all good! Mommy is prepared! Mommy's got this! I reached into the diaper bag only to find that oops! No bottle! Which quickly led to a nuclear meltdown. 

While desperately looking for anything and everything to shove in her mouth, I notice an older lady standing to the left of me just looking at me. I happen to look her way for a hot second and wouldn't you know it, we made eye contact.

Never - EVER - make eye contact.

"Sweetie, you know, things with a baby go a lot more smoothly when you're prepared. You should always have a bottle with you!"

I honestly don't remember what my response was because I was so out of it and sleep deprived but I'm sure it was something along the lines of…

It seems like from the moment we find out that we're pregnant, the laundry list of unsolicited parenting advice begins:

"Don't take a bath! You'll drown the baby!"

 "Is that really the name you're picking? Why not X, Y, or Z?"
"Let me show you the right way to hold your baby."

Yes, I heard all of these and more so how do you deal with it?

Here's the bottom line for me: Unless my child is in imminent or immediate danger, keep your comments to yourself. I know that most people {and I'm probably being generous when I say this} have good intentions when they offer up their "advice" but here's the problem - they usually end up making the situation worse because they know nothing about what the mother or father are dealing with nor do they know the struggles of the child in question.

Rarely if ever is it helpful to give unsolicited advice regarding a situation that you know nothing about. Think about it. How much sense does that really make? Nowhere else in life would reasonable people do this. Would you really speak up out of the blue in a work meeting in front of a room full of people to comment on something you know absolutely nothing about? No, probably not. So why do we do it with complete strangers and about something so private and personal as our children?

For those who give unsolicited parenting advice, please know this: you have no idea that I've been trying for weeks to desperately breastfeed my child with no success and have tried everything possible to get my child to nurse so when you tell me that formula feeding is wrong, how do you think that makes me feel? You have no idea that my child may have a learning disability that makes it difficult for them to understand what I'm saying to them in order for them to be obedient. How do you think it makes me feel to get your "helpful advice" to just "Be a good parent, do your job, and get your kid under control." You don't know that I may be a mother suffering from severe PPD and your comments, albeit helpful in your mind, only comes across as judgmental with a voice of "Why aren't you capable?"  You see - not so helpful. You never know the battles each mom is facing. 

Silence is golden.

I have to admit that when it comes to my family, the rules are a little different and I do tend to cut a little bit of slack because that's just the reality. There's no way in hell I'm going to tell my grandmother to take a flying leap and get lost - obviously. A simple smile or nod goes a long way in cases like that. I've even offered up the generic, "That's something to think about, thanks!" and kept going on about my merry way. At the end of the day, family is family. These are the people in your life who will always be there for you and your family. They are not strangers and do deserve a certain level of respect where this topic is concerned. 

Strangers though? They are getting a world of snark coming their way. My theory? If you're ballsy, rude and presumptuous enough to say something to me, then you've earned what's coming. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to tear you down. I'm not going to be mean. I'm just going to have a little fun at your expense and when it’s all said and done, you will know that you were put in your place.

Have you had a hard time dealing with receiving unsolicited parenting advice? How do you handle it?