When Your Only Child Wants a Sibling

At first the statements and requests of having a brother or sister happened occasionally and usually without warning. “Maddy, can you please pass me the ketchup?” I’d say over dinner to which she would casually reply, “Okay. Hey mommy. Why don’t I have a brother or sister? Can I get one?” she asks, as if it’s that easy, like we’re doing our normal Target run on a Saturday and oh hey! While you’re getting that twelve pack of TP, don’t forget to swing down isle seven for a sister!

The truth is, I expected the questions and curiosity… I just wasn’t expecting them so soon at the ripe old age of five. Sure, we’ve talked many times about how babies grow in a mommy’s belly, the diversity of families and how some people have kids while others don’t but lately, the questions and demands for a sibling have become more frequent and as a result, have often left me questioning my own choice to be one and done with regards to parenting.

When you become a parent, your main objective immediately becomes: give your child the best life possible; schooling, personal care and development, guidance, healthcare – everything. In every choice you make that involves your family, your thoughts and considerations always turn to the child first – “Will this choice be a good one for my child? How will it affect him/her?” I can only speak for myself but I’ve always tried to consider Maddy’s feelings, wants and wishes when it comes to a few of my choices. It’s not always easy and rarely is it ever cut and dry. Most of the time, there is a huge grey area in parenting, especially with choices that not only affect the child, but yourself as well. Yes, you want to consider your child’s feelings but at what cost? I’ve always been a firm believer that just because parents want to give their child the best life possible, that doesn’t mean that said parents have to completely forfeit theirs.  At what point do your own wants outweigh your child’s? Here’s another way to look at it…

When flying, have you ever noticed during the flight instructions that the flight attendant tells you in situations where oxygen masks are released, to give yourself oxygen first before trying to help others? I’ll admit, the first few times I heard that I thought, “How selfish!” It’s only been since I’ve become a parent that I’ve come to really understand this philosophy, which is simply, you have to be okay first before you can even think about helping or making decisions for others. Your own foundation has to be solid in order for you to know how to move forward. Sometimes in parenting, it’s a dire necessity to be selfish. Sometimes in the messy and chaotic thick of the everyday, it’s imperative to your own well-being that you think of what’s best for yourself first, then consider others and what their needs might be. This is why Maddy will always be an only child. I know what my limitations are. I know that in order for me to breathe and to be the best parent possible, I can only be a parent to one.

Do I ever feel guilty about my choice? Sure. It’s hard not to when the child you love more than anything and want to make happy comes to you and asks for a brother or a sister and you have to be the bearer of bad news. It’s hard to try and explain such grown up things to a five year old, but I try. I’m honest with Maddy and I share my true feelings and I think she understands. Most times, I get the feeling that what she hears is Charlie Brown’s teacher saying, “Wok, wok, wok, wok, wok.” Time will tell. In the end, I hope she comes to know that our choice for her to be an only child never came from a selfish place. Quite the opposite, really. I hope she understands that our choice to be one and done came from a place of love and concern. A place that in order for us to be the best parents possible, she was enough.

So in the end, I’ve decided to do what every normal, only child parent does. Compromise. I will get her a dog instead.  

Dear Donald Trump: Thank You For Your Comments On Women

Dear Donald,

Can I call you that? Donald? Considering some of the names you’ve called women over the years, simply calling you by your first name should be no big deal, right? By now, the world has had the privilege of hearing your conversation with Billy Bush back in 2005 where you proudly talked about how easy it is to fondle and grope women simply for being a rich and famous guy. Out of the many things this tape reveals, it certainly drives home the fact that money will never buy class, standards or morals. But talking about your status isn’t why I’m writing this today so let’s move on, shall we?

Your words, your bravado, your arrogance, is nothing new. You’ve been treating women like sexual objects and anything but human-beings since your youth. You have a well-documented history of accusations of sexual assault and have publically called women and young girls fatties, pigs and dogs. You’ve been in and out of more relationships and marriages than one can count, leaving all of your exes with nothing nice to say about the guy you are, and you have even talked about your own daughter as a sexual conquest, so to hear the words you spoke so proudly in 2005 did not come as a complete shock to me or anyone else for that matter. It’s ironic, really. With all the material from your past to pull from, it’s this audio recording that will be the nail in your coffin. So before your certain political and professional demise unfolds, I want to take this opportunity to express how thankful I am to you for those words you spoke.

Yes, thankful. You see, up to this point, I’d become complacent to the struggles women face on a daily basis, especially with regards to rape culture, sexual abuse and misogyny. Sure, I’ve always been aware and know it exists. I see articles as I casually scroll through my Facebook timeline or news website while leisurely sipping my morning coffee but I had become immune to the gravity and brevity of it all. It’s kind of like sun: You know that it’s constantly there and you’re aware of the potential it has to harm you but because you’re wearing your sunscreen, you become complacent to the potential for harm, but forget your sunscreen a time or two and you’re bound to get burned. Regretfully, this is how my attitude had become about men like you – complacent and comfortable. In our society today, men like you have become all too common resulting in women like me becoming numb to your ignorance. You see, when you’ve never been on the receiving end of such behavior, it’s easy to think, “This doesn’t affect me. No need to worry” and this is where I’ve been horribly, horribly wrong.

You see Donald, I’m a mother of a little girl. Today she is five but as you very well know being a dad yourself, she will grow up to be a woman and in being a woman, will have to deal with a whole different world than you could ever imagine. She will be denied jobs because of her gender. She will be dictated to on a daily basis as to how her body should look, how much she should weigh and how a lady should act. If she decides to have a family, she will always be pit against whether to stay home with her children or be a working mom and in the end, someone will tell her it’s the wrong choice regardless of which one she chooses because that’s what we do to the women in our society. She will have to fight to be taken seriously if she’s a female athlete because apparently, only men can play sports well and succeed and above all of this, she will have to deal with men because, well, you just can’t ignore half the world’s population. And this is where I’ve failed my daughter in raising her up to this point.

Thank you, Donald, for your words which snapped my head back into the reality of the world in which we live. Thank you for your sobering and harsh comments about women that remind me of how far we’ve come have come and sadly, how much further we have to go. Thank you for reminding me that among us still remains an antiquated and bigoted species of men who genuinely feel that women are only good for sexual pleasure and fodder, making your dinner and raising your children. Thank you for showing us rape culture in action so that all moms everywhere know what it really looks like and how to combat it in their own homes for both girls and boys. Thank you Donald, for reminding all of us that sexual crimes are only a sliver about the act of sex but more-so to do with men like you who feel so small that they need to abuse women in order to feel big.

Thank you for reminding me that as a mother of a girl, it’s my job to make sure that my daughter knows her worth in this life because sadly, she will always encounter men like you.

Sincerely,

A mom who just grabbed you by the ballot

Fall Comfort: Crock Pot Broccoli Cheese Soup

During the fall and winter months, there’s nothing better than enjoying a hot bowl of soup. Actually, I take that back. There is something better…

When the crock pot does all the work for you.

One of my favorite soups to make during the cooler months is my crock pot broccoli cheese soup. This soup is so delectable and so easy to make. How easy you ask? How about only 4 ingredients, 15 minute prep time, cooks for 5 hours on its own easy. You can't get much better than that! Plus, I think this recipe is pretty versatile; if you want to switch it up, you can. I know people who've added things like bacon bits, veggies, ham, etc. to this soup and it is delicious! 

Here's What You'll Need:
2, 10oz. Cans Campbell's Cheese Soup*
4 cans of Cream of Celery soup*
1 quart of half and half*
2, 10oz. bags of frozen broccoli

*If you want a healthier alternative, you can always substitute the lower-fat, lower sodium soups and low-fat half and half in this recipe - still delicious! AND...If you're looking for a smaller amount, you can also cut this recipe in half!

Budget:
$15 - feeds a family of 3 for ~3 days. 

How You’ll Make It:

Start by placing your broccoli in a covered microwave safe dish and cook on high for about 4 minutes, according to the bag's instructions. This should be just enough time for your broccoli to thaw out so you can chop it.

Once cooked, place your broccoli in a food processor and use the chop setting to cut up the broccoli into small pieces. 

Once completed, place the broccoli and all the remaining ingredients in your crock pot and stir until it is all mixed.

Cook on low setting for 5 hours, stirring occasionally.  That's. It.

The only thing left to do is plate and eat and trust me - you will. A lot.

Optional
Around the 4th hour, I like to put in about 3 large fist-fulls of grated mild cheddar cheese. It adds a depth and flavor that is amazing. You can also use it as garnish as well if you feel like you need more cheese. More cheese is never bad.

I have also experimented by adding some garlic powder, black pepper, and just a tiny hint of cayenne pepper and it's also very delicious. If you want it, the cayenne pepper gives it a slight kick. 

My favorite thing to do is pair this soup up with a grilled cheese or a crusty baguette for dipping. It’s pure joy. What are some of your favorite soups to make in fall and winter? 

Finding Time to Blog as a Working Mom: The Real Truth No One Talks About

As a full-time working mom, I often get asked, “How do you juggle it all?” This question often makes me cringe and makes me feel as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs because honestly, I don’t juggle it all. Not even close, and most people don’t want to hear that. They want you to tell them that you have the perfect secret formula to being a super mom when really, I’m just a hot freaking mess. Just this morning I was 10 minutes late for work, smeared lipstick across the side of my face and almost ran out of gas during my morning commute. To add insult to injury, yesterday, I busted a hole in my pants during a presentation in front of 20 people. It was glorious.

Zero time. Hot mess. Walking disaster. So when do I find time to blog? Well, let me back up for a second. I figured a few things out quickly when I started this blog:

//I would never get more hours in the day for simply deciding to take on another project.
//Blogging takes work. It’s not going to do it on its own.
//Albeit work, I want it to be enjoyable and fun.

Having said this, I think the main way I find time to blog is by remembering my priorities. I don’t blog at the expense of my child and my own well-being comes first meaning, if after I’ve put Maddy to bed and I’m exhausted, I’m not blogging. I love you guys but chances are I’m going to bed to relax and will not be up just so I can finish a blog post.

I also don’t put a lot of pressure on myself to constantly post every day. I know most bloggers will disagree with this tactic but it’s what works for me. I don’t feel the need to have to post something all the time just for the sake of posting so it really frees up my time to give me more wiggle room on being able to focus on more important things when I need to or to simply just set the blog aside for a bit. Remember the fun aspect I mentioned above? Not putting the extra stress and pressure on myself to constantly have something to say helps with keeping the fun in my dysfunctional. This space will always be here. There’s no need in rushing things.

I’m also notorious for having several blog post drafts going at once. I constantly have ideas floating around in this head of mine so I may log into my account and briefly get out those ideas and then leave it alone for a while. It also allows me time to think, research, or decide how much effort I really want to put into a particular topic or issue.

So when do I find time during the day to get it all done?

Lunch breaks at work. Quiet mornings like today before anyone gets up. Evenings after Chickie is asleep. Nap time on the weekends. I keep a running list of blog post ideas on my Wunderlist app and update it when a thought or idea pops up. I also keep a calendar with important dates noted for the days I definitely want to post or for reminders of link-ups but I still give myself leeway to not participate if I’m just not feeling it. I wish I could tell you that I have the magic formula for making it all happen but I don’t. The good news? No one else really does either. We all have full, busy lives and have to find our own unique ways of making it work. It’s a juggling act for everyone. Don’t let any other blogger tell you otherwise.

For me, this blog is a hobby. My life as a mom, partner, and employee isn’t. Those things must, and will always come first, so really it’s all in your mind-set. The truth is that we will always make time for the things we really want to do regardless. Just remember what your priorities are.

I’m curious to know other blogger's tactics, thoughts, and ideas. How do you make it all happen as a blogger and working mom?

6 Signs You Have A Quality Day Care For Your Child

One of the biggest challenges as a full-time working mom is finding a day care that both you and your child feel comfortable with and love. It’s no easy task, especially if you’re new to the day care scene or going back to work for the first time since having your child. A while back I discussed the 5 important questions you should ask before enrolling your child in any day care facility. Today, I’d like to talk a little more about how you know you’ve found quality care for your child.

This topic can be purely subjective depending on each individual’s circumstances and preferences however, we’ve had our daughter in day care since I went back to work after maternity leave. For those of you trying to do the math, that was five years ago. We’ve had Maddy enrolled in both in-home child care and traditional child care facilities during this time so I like to think that I’ve picked up some tips worth sharing because really, regardless of the option you choose, there are some fundamentals that apply across the board in determining if you’ve found the right center for you and your child.

A fancy, expensive day care used to impress me. Now I’m more concerned with the initial gut feeling I have when I walk into a facility and talk with the staff and see how the other children are responding and reacting to the center.

There is an open-door policy. 

You should feel as if you can stop by anytime to check-in on your child to see how they’re doing. The staff should be welcoming and accommodating at all times. In my last post of 5 important questions to ask before enrolling, I discussed the importance of observation rooms or web cams. For me, these are absolute must haves. These are non-intrusive ways to peek in on your child during the day to see how they are doing and what is going on in their classroom. These options have given me an opportunity to see what she is learning and what she may need help with. As a parent, you should always be made to feel welcome in your child’s school. In our current center, parents are always welcome to come and have lunch with their child, read to the kids in their class or volunteer in the classroom. This transparency means so much. If you’re not getting that, consider other options.

They make it a point to keep you updated. 

Whether it’s by a monthly newsletter, daily activity report or a simple conversation when you pick up to let you know about a concern or an achievement for the day, open communication is vital to have in any center. Maddy’s school provides parent/teacher conferences twice a year along with a development report that shows where Maddy is currently with her skills and learning. We also receive emails about any potential issues with other sick children in the center and the staff is also great about sharing the week’s lesson plan and menu. This constant effort from the staff to communicate really helps to ease any concerns about what is going on with the center and helps me to stay focused on my job during the day.

Your child is happy there and looks forward to going to school. 

I know Maddy really loves being with us on the weekends but more than not, I get asked a million times, “Is it school day yet?” She’s also itching to get out of her car seat when we pull up to the center and she literally goes running with a smile to the front door to see her friends. She genuinely loves her school friends and talks about them at home, as well as her teachers. This tells me she loves her school. Unfortunately, this hasn’t always been the case for her and it shows. While your child may have some initial separation anxiety, once his school schedule has become the norm, you will be able to tell if your child really loves their school.

The discipline policy aligns with your personal values. 

Does the center believe in time out? Do they redirect a misbehaving child? What actions are taken to teach the right behaviors to correct the wrong? This is often a component that gets glossed over easily during the selection process but it is important for you to know. Find out how your children are being disciplined to ensure the policies align with your core values.

The teachers genuinely care about your child. 

I’ve seen how Maddy lights up when she talks about her teachers and during my time spent in the observation booth, I’ve seen how she interacts with each of her teachers in a happy and positive way. There is a mutually beneficial, respectful and loving relationship that exists with each of her teachers at school. I have a good feeling about each of them which makes it very easy to leave her for the day. It also says a lot that each of them have come to me with any concerns or tid-bits of good news about her progress during the day. This open communication and genuine care for Maddy’s well-being says so much about how seriously the teachers take their job.

Your child is thriving. 

What’s the old expression – “The proof is in the pudding?” If your child is consistently learning new things, showing a love of learning, growing more and more creative and is growing in independence, then you have found a gem of a day care. One day a few months ago at pickup, I went into Maddy’s classroom and when I said “hello” to her, she responded with, “Hola!” and a great big smile. My child was speaking Spanish. Out of the blue, she was talking to me in another language and I was blown away but this is often how it is – she comes home all the time with a new skill or lesson that amazes her father and me. Indeed, the proof is in the pudding.

  

Above all, trust your instincts and listen to your child. Never, EVER feel silly or irrational for demanding that your child have the best in school care. Have you found a center your child loves? If so, how did you know? 

6 Things I Dislike In My 40's (That I Never Thought I Would)

Today, a co-worker of mine is celebrating his 26^th birthday.

Oh 26, I remember you; the single, child-free life, being able to party all night AND go to work the next day with no problems, minimal bills and responsibility, being able to eat what I wanted without the weight gain, and fewer dark circles and bags under my eyes.

When I was 26 and thought of my life moving forward, I swore up and down that I would be the coolest “old” person around. Scratch that – I would be the coolest older mom around. I vowed to always do my hair and makeup to the nines each day, party like a rock star and never, and I mean never, wear any type of pants with an elastic waistband or one’s made out of stretchy material.

Today at 40, it’s safe to say that I’ve managed to not keep a single one of those promises and honestly, I’ve probably acted far older at times. Even though I promised myself and swore I would never age, I find myself disliking certain things that I enjoyed even five to ten years ago.

Loud Music. Back in the day, the only way I would listen to my music is if it was turned up and LOUD. So much so, that my parents would yell at me for making the floor underneath them shake. Fast-forward to 40 and I’m totally that old hag screaming, “Turn that music down!” to the kids in the neighborhood and to my own daughter.

Partying All Night Long. I went to college. Been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. Nowadays? No. I enjoy an occasional night out or a break from the ordinary but honestly, I would much rather be curled up in my pj’s watching re-runs of Friends or House Hunters. I have zero desire to be jammed into a bar like a sardine with 50 bazillion drunks while having to sell my plasma to afford drinks. The old Courtney would be flabbergasted. You know the only thing Courtney wants to do all night long now? SLEEP. That’s it.

Clothes Shopping. When I was younger, there was nothing I loved to do more than spending a Saturday at the mall. I would spend hours there, perusing every store and trying on a million and one different outfits. Old Courtney, however, would rather scoop her eyes out with a spoon than to go clothes shopping. When I think of all the money I blew on clothes back in the day, it literally makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I don’t care what you say, 24-year-old Courtney – you didn’t need that beret and those hammer pants.

Sleeping on the Floor or on Someone’s Sofa. When you’re in your teens, twenties and maybe even into your thirties, crashing on someone’s sofa is no big deal. You need somewhere to pass out and it’s just as good a place as any, no big deal. You get a great night’s sleep and wake up feeling as fresh as the morning dew. Old Courtney refuses to do this. Old Courtney has a home she pays far too much for in rent every month that has a bed with an amazing Tempurpedic mattress calling her name. I’m a grown ass woman.

Poor Fitting Bras. When I was younger, I was never very fussy about my bras and whether or not they fit properly. If Vicky Secrets was having a sale, I was there. The only problem? Back in the day, it was very hard to find a good fitting bra at VS. I’m a 40DDD (no, that’s not a typo) and at the time, I think the highest bra size available was around a 36 D, if that. I didn’t care. I was going to stuff my girls in those little cups come hell or high water because damnit – it’s Victoria’s Secrets and it’s on sale. Nowadays, I’m happy to spend half the money for my uber old lady bras at JC Penny’s and Belk’s that fit perfectly.

Girl Scout Cookies. Now, before you grab your pitchforks and ask what the hell is wrong with me, let me explain… Back in the day, I used to work for the Girl Scouts. One of the benefits of working for the organization is that there are always tons of boxes of cookies sitting around the office. You pretty much have free reign to gorge yourself silly, which I did. If I never had another Thin Mint or Samoa cookie in my life, I’d be perfectly fine. 

How about you? What are some things you’ve grown to dislike as you’ve gotten older?