Friendships: You Gotta Know When To Hold'em, Know When To Fold'em

I’m not a huge Kenny Rogers fan. I may proudly have southern roots but country music and I do not get along. Having said this, I believe Kenny got life right in so many ways with the song, ‘The Gambler.’ With most circumstances in life whether it be love, money or jobs, you got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em, know when to walk away, know when to run. Let’s take friendships for instance…

Friendships are hard. REALLY hard.  I think in some ways they are more complex and challenging than our personal relationships with significant others, especially if said friendships live far away. Throw kids, jobs and other responsibilities into the mix, and at times, maintaining friendships can be downright tiring. Having children, albeit an amazing journey, is also the massacre of one’s social life. It’s the nasty truth of parenting no one wants to admit but it’s true. Raising kids is a full-time job, often resulting in most everything else being put off to the side. I’ve often talked about being more than just a mom and I believe this declaration to be true but at the end of the day, when you’re exhausted, drained and running on fumes, it’s hard to be one more thing to one more person when you’ve given of yourself all day long. Sometimes it’s difficult to be more…especially a friend.

This is why I say friendships are hard. Just like any other relationship, they require constant attention and nurturing and just like any other type of relationship, friendships go through seasons of highs, lows, maintaining and well, sometimes they simply fall apart. Lifestyle changes, personality changes and a general forming of dislike for a friend (it happens), have a huge part to play in the longevity of a friendship. Sometimes friendships simply run their course with no rhyme or reason as to why the relationship comes to an end.

And this is the category I’ve fallen into lately.

Last week, I said adios to a friend I've had for 11 years. To be perfectly honest, this friendship had turned into more of an acquaintance over the years. I hadn't physically talked to her since 2011. She and I shared many lunches, dinners and girl’s night outs together. She helped Michael and I register when we found out Maddy was a girl. We shared secrets, opinions and gossip like most girlfriends do. When I went through my divorce in 2009, she was with me every step of the way to show support and love. Then in 2012, our family moved cross-country. Different time zones, different lives, and everything I mentioned above played a factor in the distance that grew between us. Sure, we kept in touch via Facebook and IG with the occasional post ‘like,’ comment or double tap on an IG picture but as far as genuine interaction on a regular basis? There was none. She has a daughter, a full-time job and a life just like I do. While I missed her friendship in my life, I chalked it up to distance and time taking its toll. It was no one’s fault. It’s simply what happens sometimes when two friends live so far apart – you grow apart. It’s the reality of the situation. So we carried on, business as usual, maintaining our casual social media friendship online…until this past Sunday.

I posted a comment about remembering September 11^th to which she counter-argued in a rather attacking way and from there, our conversation went downhill. Over the process of two hours, the final remains of our friendship unraveled. During this time, I was called a liar, a hypocrite and self-centered. At that point, two things became very clear to me: One - she was no longer a friend of mine and two - for whatever reason that is still unknown to me because we haven’t talked (she dropped me as a “friend” from all our shared social media accounts), she has been holding a grudge towards me for quite some time and used my post as the perfect opportunity to lash out at me. At first, I was shocked. In no way would I have ever expected to be treated in such a manner by someone who considered me a friend and vice versa. As my shock wore off, I quickly became angry. Angry at the lack of respect. Angry that she decided to use a public forum to air grievances instead of talking to me privately. Angry that after all we’ve been through together, that’s the way it all went down. In an instant, whatever type of friendship we had left was gone.

Then the most interesting thing happened…

I woke up the next morning not really giving a damn about what had happened the night before. I truly didn’t. This feeling was further solidified when I checked my IG account that morning and realized that home girl had decided to unfriend me and then decided to take the time to look me up to see what I was up to. I only know this because the stories function tells you who viewed them. At that point it all became incredibly laughable and sad to me. Really. Who does that?? It was then I realized that if this was the type of “friend” she had become, I was better off being down one more person in my life. And you know what?

I’m totally fine with that because here’s the honest, harsh truth about friendships…

  

As I’ve gotten older, my propensity to deal with trifling bullshit is at an all-time low. I simply don’t have the time, energy or need to deal with people who bring nothing but drama to the table. I get tired of constantly hearing, “Let’s get together soon!,” or "We really should plan that play date. I'd love to catch up!" and the never-ending, "Let me check my calendar and I'll get back to you." without ever seeing a date actually show it's face on the calendar. I grow weary of extending myself to others both in time and in feelings to only feel like I have to literally beg the other person to share something a little deeper than what I see on social media. Your witty comments, pics of the kids and occasional glee over Gilmore Girls is cool but I want authentic and real relationships. With all the buzz you hear about fostering and extending community these days, it would seem that other people are craving the same things.

Except, they’re not.

The truth is that most people want someone who will make them feel better. They want the friend who will tell them, “You look great! Why are you worried about your weight?” instead of the friend who will be honest and say, “Hey, I care about your health. What’s going on?” They want the friend who can gush about the latest gossip, trendiest clothes and the latest must have drink at Starbucks. They want someone to tell them they aren’t fat, that they’re a great mom and that everything they do is perfect. For many, many years, I’ve been surrounded by well-meaning people who really only desired a superficial friendship all the while, my heart wanted so much more; it craved the dirty and complicated parts of life. It wanted the raw, the mess, the good and the bad. It wants real. Between work, life, kid, and that silly little thing called sleep that we all need, who has the time to actually go through the long, awkward process of developing a new friendship? Especially one that is half-hearted to begin with or one that gives you nothing in return by way of support, understanding and true acceptance? No thanks. And let’s be even more honest – don’t most of us have more acquaintances than friends anyway? I know I do. The title “friend” gets thrown around far too easily these days.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve reached a point in my life where it’s really about quality over quantity and while yes, if you’re a true friend to someone, you make the effort to work things out, but at what cost? For me, when certain lines are crossed, there’s just no easy way to bounce back and truthfully, sometimes you shouldn’t. Sometimes certain people are a liability instead of an asset. If a person has the ability to drain you, turn on you in a heartbeat or put little to no effort into nurturing your relationship, it’s time to move on because honestly, ain’t nobody got time for that kind of drama. In return, there are people out there who are worth your time, your efforts, your personal stories, your trust and your love. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I know I deserve in a friendship, and you shouldn’t either. It’s worth the time to be selective.

You got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em.