Dear Maddy,
Let’s talk about what
happened last night. Last night was rough, there’s no other way to say it. Lately,
life with you, albeit amazing most of the time, has been trying. Kindergarten
has brought so many wonderful things into our lives that I wouldn’t trade for
the world but with it, have also come a few challenges in behavior that I would
be happy to trade in a heartbeat.
Lately, the name of your
game is ‘let’s test the boundaries!” This has been one of your favorite games
for a while now and will continue to be moving forward – I realize and accept
this – however, last night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s
back. You were mouthy. You talked back. You weren’t listening or doing anything
your father and I asked you to do. You were being a smart ass.
You were being five and in
being five, I’ve come to the conclusion that basically, you’re the equivalent of
a walking, talking middle finger.
All evening you pushed, and
pushed, and pushed… until I finally reached my limit. I lost my temper and
became the hard ass. You lost bedtime privileges and when it was all said and
done, you were laid to bed in a puddle of tears. As I closed the door to your
bedroom, you looked up at me with those big, beautiful brown eyes and gave me a
look as if to say, “Why are you doing this to me, mommy?”
In that instance, I felt an
enormous amount of guilt and sadness over the way I reacted. For a moment, I
started to second guess myself and my choices but then I remembered why I
shouldn’t…
… Because first and
foremost, I’m your mother and not your friend.
… Because it’s my job to
raise you, not coddle you.
… Because it’s important
that you understand right from wrong, respect and decency.
… Because you must
understand that you are a part of this world, not that the world revolves
around you.
… Because it’s my job as
your parent to make sure you grow up to be a kind and thoughtful human-being
and not an entitled, bratty little shit.
As hard as it was at first
to close your door and not go back to soothe you, I stood my ground. I did it
because that’s real love. As your mother, I love you too much to tolerate
anything less than what I know you have the ability to give.
Maddy, I look at this
picture of you and see so many of the amazing qualities I love about you: your
confidence, your strong-willed tendencies, and your independence. All of these
traits are going to be an asset to you as you grow up in this challenging
world. I always want you to keep these qualities. These same qualities that
drive me crazy at times are the same ones that will help you succeed when
challenges come your way. Having said this, it’s learning how to harness and
control them so they work to your benefit and not your detriment that’s key and
this, my dear, is the delicate balance a parent always walks: giving you the
opportunity to foster and enhance your fire while keeping it in check without
crushing your soul in the process.
As I write this, it’s a new
day. You woke up this morning with the biggest smile on your face and the very
first words out of your mouth were, “Mommy, I’m sorry.” We sat for a while in
your bed and hugged and all of the feelings from the night before washed away.
Nights like last night won’t be the last time we hit some hard roadblocks,
kiddo. Some days will be good and some days will be shit but even on the shitty
days, I will love you and I always want you to remember this one thing…
I love you too much to tolerate
anything less than what I know you have the ability to give.
Love always,
Mommy
Mommy
