Last Night You Cried Yourself To Sleep...And I Didn't Care

Dear Maddy,

Let’s talk about what happened last night. Last night was rough, there’s no other way to say it. Lately, life with you, albeit amazing most of the time, has been trying. Kindergarten has brought so many wonderful things into our lives that I wouldn’t trade for the world but with it, have also come a few challenges in behavior that I would be happy to trade in a heartbeat.

Lately, the name of your game is ‘let’s test the boundaries!” This has been one of your favorite games for a while now and will continue to be moving forward – I realize and accept this – however, last night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. You were mouthy. You talked back. You weren’t listening or doing anything your father and I asked you to do. You were being a smart ass.

You were being five and in being five, I’ve come to the conclusion that basically, you’re the equivalent of a walking, talking middle finger.

All evening you pushed, and pushed, and pushed… until I finally reached my limit. I lost my temper and became the hard ass. You lost bedtime privileges and when it was all said and done, you were laid to bed in a puddle of tears. As I closed the door to your bedroom, you looked up at me with those big, beautiful brown eyes and gave me a look as if to say, “Why are you doing this to me, mommy?”

In that instance, I felt an enormous amount of guilt and sadness over the way I reacted. For a moment, I started to second guess myself and my choices but then I remembered why I shouldn’t…

… Because first and foremost, I’m your mother and not your friend.

… Because it’s my job to raise you, not coddle you.

… Because it’s important that you understand right from wrong, respect and decency.

… Because you must understand that you are a part of this world, not that the world revolves around you.

… Because it’s my job as your parent to make sure you grow up to be a kind and thoughtful human-being and not an entitled, bratty little shit.

As hard as it was at first to close your door and not go back to soothe you, I stood my ground. I did it because that’s real love. As your mother, I love you too much to tolerate anything less than what I know you have the ability to give.

Maddy, I look at this picture of you and see so many of the amazing qualities I love about you: your confidence, your strong-willed tendencies, and your independence. All of these traits are going to be an asset to you as you grow up in this challenging world. I always want you to keep these qualities. These same qualities that drive me crazy at times are the same ones that will help you succeed when challenges come your way. Having said this, it’s learning how to harness and control them so they work to your benefit and not your detriment that’s key and this, my dear, is the delicate balance a parent always walks: giving you the opportunity to foster and enhance your fire while keeping it in check without crushing your soul in the process.

As I write this, it’s a new day. You woke up this morning with the biggest smile on your face and the very first words out of your mouth were, “Mommy, I’m sorry.” We sat for a while in your bed and hugged and all of the feelings from the night before washed away. Nights like last night won’t be the last time we hit some hard roadblocks, kiddo. Some days will be good and some days will be shit but even on the shitty days, I will love you and I always want you to remember this one thing…

I love you too much to tolerate anything less than what I know you have the ability to give.

Love always,
Mommy