How Do You Know When You're Ready To Become A Parent?

Easy question, right? No pressure.

To be completely honest, I was never really sure if I wanted a child or if I’d have the opportunity to be a parent. My pre-baby self would always joke with my girlfriends that already had kids about mommy things like lack of sleep, sore nipples and the downsides to labor and as a result of hearing their not so always rosy answers, I found myself asking,  "What made you decide to have kids??! Are you crazy??" In the back of my mind as they were laughing at the jokes, I was always thinking something along the lines of, "No really - I'm not kidding. What made you want to do it?"

Most people never know when they're really ready or prepared to have a baby but my story goes a little deeper than that. Over the last few days, I've had a few girlfriends ask me how I knew I was ready to have a child so I thought I would talk about it here.

Growing up I was never much into playing house, playing with baby dolls or anything close to resembling homemaking or taking care of a child. As a matter of fact, my Cabbage Patch doll was naked most of the time and most of my Barbies walked around without their heads as I had cut them off. I would have rather been outside riding skate boards in the neighborhood with my boy friends, playing in the creek across the street from our house or reading. As I got older, I refined my femininity quite a bit but never my feelings towards having a family - the feeling just wasn't there.

I guess I could chalk half of it up to selfish feelings; I enjoyed my freedom, I liked not being responsible for anyone but me and liked knowing that my life was mine and mine alone but it was more than that looking back on it now. At the time, I questioned whether or not I really had what it takes to be a good mom. I loved kids but it concerned me that I didn't have a natural mothering instinct. Couple this with the fact that I was married to a man at the time who didn't want kids, so it was easy to not have to deal with my feelings about whether or not to have kids at all. Life for the most part was...simple.

Then things changed.

After 7 years of marriage, I got divorced.

I was on my own again to start life with a clean slate. A fresh start. Once again, I had my freedom. My life was mine to do with as I pleased. I was on the open road and nothing could stop me.

Then I met Michael.

Long story short, after a whirl-wind romance, we found out I was pregnant. I was shocked. Floored actually. I was on consistent birth control without missing a single dose so having a child was the furthest thing from my mind. For the first time in my life, I was forced to deal with the questions I had tried so hard to not deal with for the majority of my life...

Am I ready to have a child? What kind of mother would I be?

To answer this question, I refer to an IM conversation I had with a girlfriend of mine a while back. She is dating a man with kids and I asked her if being with his kids made her want to have kids of her own. She is still undecided but asked me how I knew I was ready to have Maddy. This was my honest reply:

"As for kids - I wish I had an answer but I don't. I'm not even going to pretend that I do or blow sunshine up your butt about it. It sounds very cliché to say, but I don't know if anyone is ever *really* ready to have kids or knows when the time is just right to do it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, bottom line and you need to run away from them as fast as you can. If you've read any of my blog posts at all, you know it's not always bedtime stories and play dates at the park. Parenting can be a bitch and it can suck sometimes, honestly. It can also be *the* coolest thing you've ever experienced. It's a constant roller coaster of emotions and it's not always great - sometimes it's high and sometimes it's low. Not trying to be a downer, just being honest. In my case, you know I was always very uneasy with the thought of having kids, partially because I was with a man who didn't want any and it kind of marred my thinking and partially because I never really possessed a "motherly instinct.” As with most things in life, we can talk all day long about what we would or wouldn't do in certain situations but until we are forced to deal with them ourselves, we never really know how we feel or what we would do."

All of that to simply say this: Sometimes we never really know how we feel about a circumstance or situation until we are tested or challenged on it. Even when we doubt ourselves, the Lord knows exactly what we need, when we need it. Think about it. I could have easily gotten pregnant while I was married to my ex-husband but it wasn’t right. Becoming pregnant with Madeline after meeting Michael, though I wasn’t supposed to, was meant to be and what is always meant to be will be. Sometimes we just have to succumb to faith and trust that there is a purpose at play. While I was nervous and scarred shitless to find out I was pregnant, there was also something that just felt right about it and I knew in the end, everything would be okay.

Fast forward five years later and I couldn't be happier. My life is still mine but it's different - it's better. Madeline makes me want to be a better woman and person. She inspires me every day to new heights and even on the rough days of parenting, I know it's totally worth it. Having a child didn't destroy my life - my life began when I had Madeline. I get to experience so many wonderful things and see life as a child through her eyes all over again. I laugh, I cry, I marvel but most of all, I love. Madeline has taught me to love in a whole new way I never thought possible. Even on the bad days, it’s all totally worth it. 

If you're reading this and you’re on the fence about having kids my message to you is simple: walk your own path. Listen to your own heart. You may never know if you want kids and that's okay. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations except your own and you don't always have to have the answers to everything. Enjoy the time you have with yourself now and relish in that. Life is always out there waiting and what is meant to be will always find its way to you - always.