6 Signs You Have A Quality Day Care For Your Child

One of the biggest challenges as a full-time working mom is finding a day care that both you and your child feel comfortable with and love. It’s no easy task, especially if you’re new to the day care scene or going back to work for the first time since having your child. A while back I discussed the 5 important questions you should ask before enrolling your child in any day care facility. Today, I’d like to talk a little more about how you know you’ve found quality care for your child.

This topic can be purely subjective depending on each individual’s circumstances and preferences however, we’ve had our daughter in day care since I went back to work after maternity leave. For those of you trying to do the math, that was five years ago. We’ve had Maddy enrolled in both in-home child care and traditional child care facilities during this time so I like to think that I’ve picked up some tips worth sharing because really, regardless of the option you choose, there are some fundamentals that apply across the board in determining if you’ve found the right center for you and your child.

A fancy, expensive day care used to impress me. Now I’m more concerned with the initial gut feeling I have when I walk into a facility and talk with the staff and see how the other children are responding and reacting to the center.

There is an open-door policy. 

You should feel as if you can stop by anytime to check-in on your child to see how they’re doing. The staff should be welcoming and accommodating at all times. In my last post of 5 important questions to ask before enrolling, I discussed the importance of observation rooms or web cams. For me, these are absolute must haves. These are non-intrusive ways to peek in on your child during the day to see how they are doing and what is going on in their classroom. These options have given me an opportunity to see what she is learning and what she may need help with. As a parent, you should always be made to feel welcome in your child’s school. In our current center, parents are always welcome to come and have lunch with their child, read to the kids in their class or volunteer in the classroom. This transparency means so much. If you’re not getting that, consider other options.

They make it a point to keep you updated. 

Whether it’s by a monthly newsletter, daily activity report or a simple conversation when you pick up to let you know about a concern or an achievement for the day, open communication is vital to have in any center. Maddy’s school provides parent/teacher conferences twice a year along with a development report that shows where Maddy is currently with her skills and learning. We also receive emails about any potential issues with other sick children in the center and the staff is also great about sharing the week’s lesson plan and menu. This constant effort from the staff to communicate really helps to ease any concerns about what is going on with the center and helps me to stay focused on my job during the day.

Your child is happy there and looks forward to going to school. 

I know Maddy really loves being with us on the weekends but more than not, I get asked a million times, “Is it school day yet?” She’s also itching to get out of her car seat when we pull up to the center and she literally goes running with a smile to the front door to see her friends. She genuinely loves her school friends and talks about them at home, as well as her teachers. This tells me she loves her school. Unfortunately, this hasn’t always been the case for her and it shows. While your child may have some initial separation anxiety, once his school schedule has become the norm, you will be able to tell if your child really loves their school.

The discipline policy aligns with your personal values. 

Does the center believe in time out? Do they redirect a misbehaving child? What actions are taken to teach the right behaviors to correct the wrong? This is often a component that gets glossed over easily during the selection process but it is important for you to know. Find out how your children are being disciplined to ensure the policies align with your core values.

The teachers genuinely care about your child. 

I’ve seen how Maddy lights up when she talks about her teachers and during my time spent in the observation booth, I’ve seen how she interacts with each of her teachers in a happy and positive way. There is a mutually beneficial, respectful and loving relationship that exists with each of her teachers at school. I have a good feeling about each of them which makes it very easy to leave her for the day. It also says a lot that each of them have come to me with any concerns or tid-bits of good news about her progress during the day. This open communication and genuine care for Maddy’s well-being says so much about how seriously the teachers take their job.

Your child is thriving. 

What’s the old expression – “The proof is in the pudding?” If your child is consistently learning new things, showing a love of learning, growing more and more creative and is growing in independence, then you have found a gem of a day care. One day a few months ago at pickup, I went into Maddy’s classroom and when I said “hello” to her, she responded with, “Hola!” and a great big smile. My child was speaking Spanish. Out of the blue, she was talking to me in another language and I was blown away but this is often how it is – she comes home all the time with a new skill or lesson that amazes her father and me. Indeed, the proof is in the pudding.

  

Above all, trust your instincts and listen to your child. Never, EVER feel silly or irrational for demanding that your child have the best in school care. Have you found a center your child loves? If so, how did you know? 

6 Things I Dislike In My 40's (That I Never Thought I Would)

Today, a co-worker of mine is celebrating his 26^th birthday.

Oh 26, I remember you; the single, child-free life, being able to party all night AND go to work the next day with no problems, minimal bills and responsibility, being able to eat what I wanted without the weight gain, and fewer dark circles and bags under my eyes.

When I was 26 and thought of my life moving forward, I swore up and down that I would be the coolest “old” person around. Scratch that – I would be the coolest older mom around. I vowed to always do my hair and makeup to the nines each day, party like a rock star and never, and I mean never, wear any type of pants with an elastic waistband or one’s made out of stretchy material.

Today at 40, it’s safe to say that I’ve managed to not keep a single one of those promises and honestly, I’ve probably acted far older at times. Even though I promised myself and swore I would never age, I find myself disliking certain things that I enjoyed even five to ten years ago.

Loud Music. Back in the day, the only way I would listen to my music is if it was turned up and LOUD. So much so, that my parents would yell at me for making the floor underneath them shake. Fast-forward to 40 and I’m totally that old hag screaming, “Turn that music down!” to the kids in the neighborhood and to my own daughter.

Partying All Night Long. I went to college. Been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. Nowadays? No. I enjoy an occasional night out or a break from the ordinary but honestly, I would much rather be curled up in my pj’s watching re-runs of Friends or House Hunters. I have zero desire to be jammed into a bar like a sardine with 50 bazillion drunks while having to sell my plasma to afford drinks. The old Courtney would be flabbergasted. You know the only thing Courtney wants to do all night long now? SLEEP. That’s it.

Clothes Shopping. When I was younger, there was nothing I loved to do more than spending a Saturday at the mall. I would spend hours there, perusing every store and trying on a million and one different outfits. Old Courtney, however, would rather scoop her eyes out with a spoon than to go clothes shopping. When I think of all the money I blew on clothes back in the day, it literally makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I don’t care what you say, 24-year-old Courtney – you didn’t need that beret and those hammer pants.

Sleeping on the Floor or on Someone’s Sofa. When you’re in your teens, twenties and maybe even into your thirties, crashing on someone’s sofa is no big deal. You need somewhere to pass out and it’s just as good a place as any, no big deal. You get a great night’s sleep and wake up feeling as fresh as the morning dew. Old Courtney refuses to do this. Old Courtney has a home she pays far too much for in rent every month that has a bed with an amazing Tempurpedic mattress calling her name. I’m a grown ass woman.

Poor Fitting Bras. When I was younger, I was never very fussy about my bras and whether or not they fit properly. If Vicky Secrets was having a sale, I was there. The only problem? Back in the day, it was very hard to find a good fitting bra at VS. I’m a 40DDD (no, that’s not a typo) and at the time, I think the highest bra size available was around a 36 D, if that. I didn’t care. I was going to stuff my girls in those little cups come hell or high water because damnit – it’s Victoria’s Secrets and it’s on sale. Nowadays, I’m happy to spend half the money for my uber old lady bras at JC Penny’s and Belk’s that fit perfectly.

Girl Scout Cookies. Now, before you grab your pitchforks and ask what the hell is wrong with me, let me explain… Back in the day, I used to work for the Girl Scouts. One of the benefits of working for the organization is that there are always tons of boxes of cookies sitting around the office. You pretty much have free reign to gorge yourself silly, which I did. If I never had another Thin Mint or Samoa cookie in my life, I’d be perfectly fine. 

How about you? What are some things you’ve grown to dislike as you’ve gotten older? 

Friendships: You Gotta Know When To Hold'em, Know When To Fold'em

I’m not a huge Kenny Rogers fan. I may proudly have southern roots but country music and I do not get along. Having said this, I believe Kenny got life right in so many ways with the song, ‘The Gambler.’ With most circumstances in life whether it be love, money or jobs, you got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em, know when to walk away, know when to run. Let’s take friendships for instance…

Friendships are hard. REALLY hard.  I think in some ways they are more complex and challenging than our personal relationships with significant others, especially if said friendships live far away. Throw kids, jobs and other responsibilities into the mix, and at times, maintaining friendships can be downright tiring. Having children, albeit an amazing journey, is also the massacre of one’s social life. It’s the nasty truth of parenting no one wants to admit but it’s true. Raising kids is a full-time job, often resulting in most everything else being put off to the side. I’ve often talked about being more than just a mom and I believe this declaration to be true but at the end of the day, when you’re exhausted, drained and running on fumes, it’s hard to be one more thing to one more person when you’ve given of yourself all day long. Sometimes it’s difficult to be more…especially a friend.

This is why I say friendships are hard. Just like any other relationship, they require constant attention and nurturing and just like any other type of relationship, friendships go through seasons of highs, lows, maintaining and well, sometimes they simply fall apart. Lifestyle changes, personality changes and a general forming of dislike for a friend (it happens), have a huge part to play in the longevity of a friendship. Sometimes friendships simply run their course with no rhyme or reason as to why the relationship comes to an end.

And this is the category I’ve fallen into lately.

Last week, I said adios to a friend I've had for 11 years. To be perfectly honest, this friendship had turned into more of an acquaintance over the years. I hadn't physically talked to her since 2011. She and I shared many lunches, dinners and girl’s night outs together. She helped Michael and I register when we found out Maddy was a girl. We shared secrets, opinions and gossip like most girlfriends do. When I went through my divorce in 2009, she was with me every step of the way to show support and love. Then in 2012, our family moved cross-country. Different time zones, different lives, and everything I mentioned above played a factor in the distance that grew between us. Sure, we kept in touch via Facebook and IG with the occasional post ‘like,’ comment or double tap on an IG picture but as far as genuine interaction on a regular basis? There was none. She has a daughter, a full-time job and a life just like I do. While I missed her friendship in my life, I chalked it up to distance and time taking its toll. It was no one’s fault. It’s simply what happens sometimes when two friends live so far apart – you grow apart. It’s the reality of the situation. So we carried on, business as usual, maintaining our casual social media friendship online…until this past Sunday.

I posted a comment about remembering September 11^th to which she counter-argued in a rather attacking way and from there, our conversation went downhill. Over the process of two hours, the final remains of our friendship unraveled. During this time, I was called a liar, a hypocrite and self-centered. At that point, two things became very clear to me: One - she was no longer a friend of mine and two - for whatever reason that is still unknown to me because we haven’t talked (she dropped me as a “friend” from all our shared social media accounts), she has been holding a grudge towards me for quite some time and used my post as the perfect opportunity to lash out at me. At first, I was shocked. In no way would I have ever expected to be treated in such a manner by someone who considered me a friend and vice versa. As my shock wore off, I quickly became angry. Angry at the lack of respect. Angry that she decided to use a public forum to air grievances instead of talking to me privately. Angry that after all we’ve been through together, that’s the way it all went down. In an instant, whatever type of friendship we had left was gone.

Then the most interesting thing happened…

I woke up the next morning not really giving a damn about what had happened the night before. I truly didn’t. This feeling was further solidified when I checked my IG account that morning and realized that home girl had decided to unfriend me and then decided to take the time to look me up to see what I was up to. I only know this because the stories function tells you who viewed them. At that point it all became incredibly laughable and sad to me. Really. Who does that?? It was then I realized that if this was the type of “friend” she had become, I was better off being down one more person in my life. And you know what?

I’m totally fine with that because here’s the honest, harsh truth about friendships…

  

As I’ve gotten older, my propensity to deal with trifling bullshit is at an all-time low. I simply don’t have the time, energy or need to deal with people who bring nothing but drama to the table. I get tired of constantly hearing, “Let’s get together soon!,” or "We really should plan that play date. I'd love to catch up!" and the never-ending, "Let me check my calendar and I'll get back to you." without ever seeing a date actually show it's face on the calendar. I grow weary of extending myself to others both in time and in feelings to only feel like I have to literally beg the other person to share something a little deeper than what I see on social media. Your witty comments, pics of the kids and occasional glee over Gilmore Girls is cool but I want authentic and real relationships. With all the buzz you hear about fostering and extending community these days, it would seem that other people are craving the same things.

Except, they’re not.

The truth is that most people want someone who will make them feel better. They want the friend who will tell them, “You look great! Why are you worried about your weight?” instead of the friend who will be honest and say, “Hey, I care about your health. What’s going on?” They want the friend who can gush about the latest gossip, trendiest clothes and the latest must have drink at Starbucks. They want someone to tell them they aren’t fat, that they’re a great mom and that everything they do is perfect. For many, many years, I’ve been surrounded by well-meaning people who really only desired a superficial friendship all the while, my heart wanted so much more; it craved the dirty and complicated parts of life. It wanted the raw, the mess, the good and the bad. It wants real. Between work, life, kid, and that silly little thing called sleep that we all need, who has the time to actually go through the long, awkward process of developing a new friendship? Especially one that is half-hearted to begin with or one that gives you nothing in return by way of support, understanding and true acceptance? No thanks. And let’s be even more honest – don’t most of us have more acquaintances than friends anyway? I know I do. The title “friend” gets thrown around far too easily these days.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve reached a point in my life where it’s really about quality over quantity and while yes, if you’re a true friend to someone, you make the effort to work things out, but at what cost? For me, when certain lines are crossed, there’s just no easy way to bounce back and truthfully, sometimes you shouldn’t. Sometimes certain people are a liability instead of an asset. If a person has the ability to drain you, turn on you in a heartbeat or put little to no effort into nurturing your relationship, it’s time to move on because honestly, ain’t nobody got time for that kind of drama. In return, there are people out there who are worth your time, your efforts, your personal stories, your trust and your love. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I know I deserve in a friendship, and you shouldn’t either. It’s worth the time to be selective.

You got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em.

Last Night You Cried Yourself To Sleep...And I Didn't Care

Dear Maddy,

Let’s talk about what happened last night. Last night was rough, there’s no other way to say it. Lately, life with you, albeit amazing most of the time, has been trying. Kindergarten has brought so many wonderful things into our lives that I wouldn’t trade for the world but with it, have also come a few challenges in behavior that I would be happy to trade in a heartbeat.

Lately, the name of your game is ‘let’s test the boundaries!” This has been one of your favorite games for a while now and will continue to be moving forward – I realize and accept this – however, last night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. You were mouthy. You talked back. You weren’t listening or doing anything your father and I asked you to do. You were being a smart ass.

You were being five and in being five, I’ve come to the conclusion that basically, you’re the equivalent of a walking, talking middle finger.

All evening you pushed, and pushed, and pushed… until I finally reached my limit. I lost my temper and became the hard ass. You lost bedtime privileges and when it was all said and done, you were laid to bed in a puddle of tears. As I closed the door to your bedroom, you looked up at me with those big, beautiful brown eyes and gave me a look as if to say, “Why are you doing this to me, mommy?”

In that instance, I felt an enormous amount of guilt and sadness over the way I reacted. For a moment, I started to second guess myself and my choices but then I remembered why I shouldn’t…

… Because first and foremost, I’m your mother and not your friend.

… Because it’s my job to raise you, not coddle you.

… Because it’s important that you understand right from wrong, respect and decency.

… Because you must understand that you are a part of this world, not that the world revolves around you.

… Because it’s my job as your parent to make sure you grow up to be a kind and thoughtful human-being and not an entitled, bratty little shit.

As hard as it was at first to close your door and not go back to soothe you, I stood my ground. I did it because that’s real love. As your mother, I love you too much to tolerate anything less than what I know you have the ability to give.

Maddy, I look at this picture of you and see so many of the amazing qualities I love about you: your confidence, your strong-willed tendencies, and your independence. All of these traits are going to be an asset to you as you grow up in this challenging world. I always want you to keep these qualities. These same qualities that drive me crazy at times are the same ones that will help you succeed when challenges come your way. Having said this, it’s learning how to harness and control them so they work to your benefit and not your detriment that’s key and this, my dear, is the delicate balance a parent always walks: giving you the opportunity to foster and enhance your fire while keeping it in check without crushing your soul in the process.

As I write this, it’s a new day. You woke up this morning with the biggest smile on your face and the very first words out of your mouth were, “Mommy, I’m sorry.” We sat for a while in your bed and hugged and all of the feelings from the night before washed away. Nights like last night won’t be the last time we hit some hard roadblocks, kiddo. Some days will be good and some days will be shit but even on the shitty days, I will love you and I always want you to remember this one thing…

I love you too much to tolerate anything less than what I know you have the ability to give.

Love always,
Mommy